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Tom Brady Says Goodbye To Randy Moss: The Butterfly Madman!

Randy, look! I'm on the Jumbo-tron!
Randy, look! I'm on the Jumbo-tron!Marc Serota/Getty Images
Bryan HealeyCorrespondent IOctober 14, 2016

I'm screwing up my writing schedule, but I don't care: The butterfly man is gone.

Today, the Patriots, in celebration of their thrashing of the Dolphins, traded away the most awesome, honest, humble, talented, excellent man that Randy Moss has ever seen: Randy Moss. Heading back to the team that first drafted him, he will now spend his days in a desperate, valiant effort to avoid becoming a pre-game snack for Zombie Favre. And he'll probably also catch some footballs, which is good since he has been lonely and desperate for a new hobby ever since he put the finishing touches on his butterfly emporium.

And now all eyes are on Wes Welker. With Randy gone, Welker is going to have to step it up and start wearing headphones the size of cheese danishes to post-game press conferences while babbling on about how much respect he deserves even though no one wants him to do good. I think this will require a bit of additional programming, but I'm sure the Patriots have an engineer on permanent stand-by (just in case one of his circuits shorts out). Also he'll probably have to keep on catching passes and scoring touchdowns, but that won't be a concern for a machine such as he.

Tom Brady, in the fifteen minutes since the trade was announced, has yet to speak out on the matter, which some have seen as troubling. But I'm sure all will be well. He'll emerge eventually and talk to us in that sweet, seductive voice of his and make us all realize that everything is going to be okay, that we all deserve to be loved, and that world peace really is possible. And then, in two weeks time, he'll don the helmet and do what he does best: Look gorgeous.

Belichick, meanwhile, hasn't noticed anything different since he thought Moss had been traded two weeks ago. He has been spending the morning handing out bread rations and water to the kidnapped family members of all his players, who are all just happy to be able to do what they can to help the team (emphasis on "help").

And there you have it. Good bye, butterfly man! We'll always remember that year you scored a lot of touchdowns! Until the Ravens come to town, I wish you all well and encourage you to visit the Randy Moss Butterfly Extravaganza before he finishes packing. No hurry, though; he owns a lot of hats.

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