Mitchell Report: Time and Money Well Spent...Or Not

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Mitchell Report: Time and Money Well Spent...Or Not months—that's a long time to be sitting in front of your laptop, Mr. Mitchell.

$20 million you say?  The gloves are off, and you've named names that are sure to shock us?

What, did I miss Coco Crisp's name in there? He must have been sandwiched between Pokey Reese and Al Reyes, right?

That would have been a real shocker!

You were able to engineer a peace agreement in Ireland, George—perhaps you peaked in '98?

I studied the names listed in the Mitchell Report, and I have to say—maybe Major League Baseball should ask for a refund.

Mitchell produced a list you'd expect from an investigation run by retarded seagulls...riding bicycles...while throwing darts. There isn't a name on there that's surprising to me, MLB, or anyone with two eyes and an IQ higher than that of a sewer rat.

Okay, perhaps I'm being too hard on you, George. But I'm slightly interested as to why Mo Vaughn looked more like a beached whale than, say, Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.

What, is there a disclaimer that comes with every dose of steroids?

"Results may vary. Fits of rage and abnormal cranial growth may occur—and in some cases not even the slightest signs of muscle growth."

At least now Mr. Mitchell can say he truly feels like an American. Almost two years of work and no one really gives a damn about all his umm..."effort."

(Cough, cough, trying not to laugh, cough, now I'm crying a tad.)

In any event, Mr. Mitchell, we're all very proud of you.

(Insert excessive and exaggerated pats on the back here—not too hard as he's getting a little long in the tooth)

We thank you for your tiresome efforts to bring to our attention a list of names that I would have gladly typed up and supplied to MLB at a fee of a mere slice of pizza and a cold Sam Adams.


I'm available at the aforementioned rate for any and all investigations. Perhaps a two-year inquiry into whether or not Lawrence Taylor was on something?


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