So the Liver and the rest of his Dallas brethren got an early Christmas present this week when the Cowboys cut Mike Vanderdouche—er, Vanderclank—er, Vanderjagt.
The Liver knew the kicker was done on Thanksgiving, when a season marred by a whole lot of kicks pushed to the right culminated with Vanderjagt BARELY making a 22-yarder in the against the Bucs. He then walked off the field laughing, shaking his head, and putting his fingers together to indicate just how close he'd come to missing the thing. Bill Parcells must've made up his mind right there. This team is too close to the playoffs to have to worry about a head case kicker who obviously hasn't gotten over the shank he threw up for the Colts against Pittsburgh in the playoffs last year.
If it were someone a little less arrogant, I might have shed a tear—or at the very least tipped a glass. But Vanderjagt, who never tired of bragging about being the best kicker in NFL history (if you don’t believe me, just go to his website), put himself in this position by talking the talk but not walking the walk. As it stands, let the Liver presume to speak for the entire city of Dallas:
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Jerk off.
Now onto worrying about Martin Grammatica. Oh Jesus, MARTIN GRAMMATICA is our new kicker? A guy who hasn’t unleashed a meaningful kick in 2 YEARS? This is why kickers, along with women, bills, point spreads, my job, putting my clothes on in the morning, and the fact that it’s 75 degrees TWO DAYS BEFORE DECEMBER, drives me to drink like an Irishman on St. Patty's Day EVERYDAY.
Of course it goes without saying that the following Thursday pick AGAINST THE SPREAD is for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. At this point, only the idiot, liquored-up kicker himself would be unemployed and drunk enough to question this pick.
Thursday, November 30
Baltimore (+3) at Cincinnati
Both teams are hot coming off impressive shutouts of the Steelers and the Browns, respectively. With a three game lead in the AFC North, the Ravens would have to collapse for the Bengals to catch them. Cincinnati, though, still has wild card hopes...so it would appear that this game is more significant to them than it is to the Ravens. That said, the Ravens are still in the hunt for home-field in the AFC, and that combined with the dominance of Baltimore’s defense (which is number two overall in the league), the productivity of the offense under Brian “I’m a Genius” Billick (you know how much I LOVE to give that asshole credit for anything), and the 31st-ranked Bengals D leads me to unfortunately... Pick: Baltimore