Dez Bryant Dinner: 10 Better Ways To Spend His $55,000 Meal Bill
Dez Bryant said he didn’t want to carry Roy Williams’ shoulder pads.
And he didn’t.
But the Dallas Cowboys rookie wide receiver experienced a new form of hazing courtesy of his teammates after refusing to take part in the rookie ritual.
Bryant was given this alternative: take the team out to dinner and buy Williams some new shoes.
Maybe he should have just carried the shoulder pads.
The bill for the dinner at Pappas Bros. Steakhouse came out to a whopping $54,896.
This isn’t the first time a rookie has fitted the bill for the team. And it certainly won’t be the last.
But should it be?
I mean, that’s a lot of dough for some steak, wine, cheese fries, and who knows what else.
There are plenty of ways Bryant could have put that money to better use. Let’s take a look at them.
10. Pay Marcus McNeill for Three Quarters Of a Game
The Cowboys need offensive line help like Lindsay Lohan needs rehab.
So maybe Dallas should have tried to trade for Chargers left tackle Marcus McNeill, and move him to right tackle.
He just signed his $630,000 tender with San Diego, and should be ready for Week 6.
I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure Bryant could have used that $55,000 to get Tony Romo some pass protection for about three quarters.
9. Make David Buehler the Team's Strength Coach
Can someone be paid as a player and a coach too? I’m not sure.
But it would make sense for David Buehler to be the Cowboys strength and conditioning coach as well as the team’s kicker.
The dude is a freak of nature. He is the exception to the rule that kickers are not athletes.
Buehler—who is listed at 6’2", 227 pounds—bench pressed 225 pounds 25 times and ran an unofficial 4.56 40-yard dash at the NFL Combine in 2009.
Why not throw him an extra $55,000 per season to put some muscles on his teammates who aren’t as physically gifted?
8. A Reward for Deion Sanders
I know I’m not that the only one who thought it was odd that Bryant was suspended by the NCAA for his interactions with Deion Sanders. You know, Deion Sanders, a former Cowboy.
Bryant played high school football in Texas. And Dallas is obviously in Texas.
Are you really telling me that this wasn’t part of some bigger plan to lure Bryant to the Cowboys?
Come on, man.
Bryant should buy Deion something—maybe a car or a book on how to make good decisions—but just something that shows his appreciation for making this dream pairing come true.
7. Pay a Boxing Referee Off
Oh, I’m going somewhere with this.
We all know that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants to host the Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather mega-fight at Cowboys Stadium.
There’s been several holdups over blood testing, and a whole lot of talking crap on the part of Mayweather.
But we know the real reason this fight hasn’t happened: Mayweather doesn’t want to lose.
So, maybe Bryant could pay off a referee—Mills Lane, anyone?—to fix the fight and let Floyd win.
Jones would be elated that he hosted the fight, and Bryant would probably get more passes thrown his way as a result.
It truly is a win-win for everyone involved. Except Pacquiao.
6. Buy Jerry Jones a Brain
Speaking of Jerry Jones, when is he going to wise up?
Now, I’m not sure how much brains sell for on the black market, but I know they do actually get sold.
It would be a pretty smart decision for Bryant to buy Jones a new brain, preferably one that will make him smarter.
Maybe Jones’ new found intelligence will help him realize the Cowboys will never win the Super Bowl with Wade Philips as head coach.
5. Give Joe Buck and Troy Aikman a Little Bonus
Every Sunday, it’s inevitable: Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will be calling the game for the Cowboys.
I don’t like that, and it’s not just because I find them to be horrible at their jobs. I don’t like it because they’re biased.
Look, I’m a Saints fan, and I have to put up with Brian Billick. Cowboys fans should too, but they don’t.
They get the franchise’s Super Bowl winning quarterback announcing their games.
Maybe Dez Bryant should give them that $55,000 so that the positive comments for the Cowboys keep on coming.
4. Erase the Dave Campo Tenure from the Record Books
Although I may have angered some Cowboys fans with my last slide, I think they will agree with me on this one.
Dallas fans would love to erase the Dave Campo era from 2000-2002 when the Cowboys went 15-33.
Tony Romo botching the snap against the Seattle Seahawks was like heaven on Earth compared to Campo’s reign as head coach.
Bryant can send that money to whoever is in charge of the record books at the NFL. I have no idea who that is, but I’d imagine he wouldn’t mind taking $55,000 to delete a disastrous part of Cowboys history.
3. Get Some Michael Vick Pointers
Is it too soon for Michael Vick jokes? I don’t think so.
No one has been able to stop Michael Vick this season. Yeah, it isn’t saying much when you consider that the Eagles played the Browns and the Lions.
But still, teams have had a harder time controlling Vick than Braylon Edwards has passing a BAC test.
If Bryant were to bribe a few Virginia police officers, maybe the Cowboys could figure out how to stop Vick.
After all, they’re the only ones who have stopped Vick recently.
2. Donate the Money To Charity
I know the entire rookie hazing thing is an NFL tradition, but isn’t spending $55,000 in one night a little ridiculous?
I graduated college, and am currently in graduate school. But even once I get my Master’s degree, I won’t be making $55,000 in one year.
I don’t really enjoy seeing professional athletes blow that kind of money in one hour.
Couldn’t Bryant just have bought Williams some shoes and donated the rest to charity?
1. Get Some Advice from Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant
The “big three” sports franchises are the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Yankees, and Dallas Cowboys.
Quick. What’s the difference between those first two and the Cowboys?
The Lakers and Yankees have won more than one playoff game this millenium, and some championships too.
The Cowboys are like the Kardashians. They get a lot of attention, but they really don’t deserve it.
It would benefit Bryant to pay Kobe and Jeter for some advice on how to lead a championship team.
Then, Bryant could pass that information on to Tony Romo.