Michael Phelps vs. China: The Ultimate Showdown

Daniel ChausseContributor IAugust 14, 2008

In light of recent controversy concerning the age of China’s gymnastics team in the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, the IOC has decided that there is only one way to determine whether or not the Chinese government has falsified the ages of their athletes—a Texas-style to-the-death cage match between the Chinese girls’ gymnastics team and Michael Phelps.


The IOC states that if China’s athletes are in fact at least 16 as their (government issued) passports say, then they should have no problem defeating the lanky swimming champion. If not, then Phelps should have the upper hand if he is not slowed down by the ridiculous number of gold medals around his neck.


One thing is to be sure, the tiny, flexible “women” of Chinese gymnastics will have their hands full in this death-match. Phelps will be going for possibly his greatest victory ever, because if he wins, he will be awarded all of the gold medals given to the gymnastics team, putting his medal count on more than one can count on his fingers and toes.


In other news, Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian apologized for his outrageous actions during the medal ceremony for the 83-kilogram Greco-Roman wrestling competition.


He explained afterwards that he was really upset because the other athletes’ medals were shinier than his. He also stated that he wanted his bottle and that he may have had an accident during the competition. When the IOC heard this, they ordered that he immediately be changed and put into timeout.


Allegations about poor judging on the part of the judges were made by the sniffling Abrahamian. Initial reports indicate that Abrahamian was simply upset because another competitor made fun of his outfit being too tight.