NFL Comedy : Weekly Picks, Power Rankings and Grades

John BartramCorrespondent IISeptember 28, 2010

NFL expert, picks, grades and rankings
NFL expert, picks, grades and rankings

I'll start with the weekly picks, especially those made by the "experts", because they provide the least amount of comic value. However, in the local paper all the car dealers also have their weekly picks.  The comic value comes in comparing the accuracy between the two.  They're pretty much the same. 

So, when you get those "Can't miss specials", or "One free pick" offered via email or on the phone remember either the car dealers or the "experts" will provide you pretty much the same shot.

Predicting the outcome of an NFL game is just a crap shoot, unless you're an odds maker in Las Vegas, then it is a statistical and scientific process, and a fairly accurate one.  That is the only place where "picking" games really means anything, that and your local bookie, which can have worse ramifications.

I understand that picking games for the most part is harmless fun.  My 11 year old son and I do it, and he always gets more right than I do.  Now, be honest, how many of you get irked when they pick against your team?  You remember the old saying about 98% do, and they other 2% are liars?

It seems every major on-line sports website, CBS, SI, etc. has their weekly "Power Rankings".  I love these.  Some just do the top 15, or top five and bottom 5, but the really popular ones are the ones that go top to bottom, every team and talk about how great they are, how OK they are or how much they suck and always will.

If anyone reading this even tries to suggest they don't get pissed off when their team "drops" in the rankings, shame on you.  Most, if not all of you, since you're reading a sports website right now can't wait until Monday or Tuesday or whatever day they come out and see if you're team went up or down.

If they went down, and you think they should have gone up, the author is and idiot, moron and most importantly a %#$$#*&^!  If your team took a jump up, this guy has a clear idea of what's going on, does a great job of analyzing and is a solid journalist.

My absolute favorite, by a landslide are the weekly grades. In fact my primary motivation for writing this was watching a video on CBS yesterday.  I happen to think it's a very good website for the most part. 

I don't even know the name of the clown doing it, but he was some "blogger".  First, how in the hell does a "blogger" end up on CBS, on a video no less, being interviewed giving his weekly grades? 

While listening to this utter nonsense  yesterday, and I have no idea what team they were talking about because I was too busy pulling a hair out of my nose, he actually said that he had thought about giving a certain team a D- instead of a D.  From a nose hair, an article was born.  Honestly one of the more idiotic things I've heard.  

How much time did this person grapple with this decision, and more importantly, what criteria goes into this conundrum that surely kept him awake?  I realize I'm unfairly picking on this one poor sap, but I'm just using him as my grading piñata.

What criteria do these people use to come up with these grades?   If a team pulls an Oregon and wins 72-0 I guess it's pretty straight forward, but let's face it, that's not life in the NFL.  As I scan these grades, for the most part I see B, B-, C, C+ and things of that nature.  I don't really have the patience to read the details, and when I have they certainly do not explain the grading.  The real puzzle is deciding between just a letter, or having to give it a plus or minus sign.

Does 10 more yards rushing give you the "B" without the minus?  One more completion? Conversely, one more fumble, two more incompletion's or a flat chested cheerleader and you get the minus?  Is this like a math test where there is a sheet that's graded, or like an essay test?  I suspect it's the latter.

Finally, the comments on the bottom of these grades and power rankings.  Wow, it's a good thing these nut jobs are not together in a bar.  Talk about taking this stuff serious.  Honestly, is it just because they're faceless, no doubt young and maybe drunk nimrods on the internet, or are they really that angry that their team got a C instead of a B, or they dropped to 9 from 12?

Additionally, the attacks on the authors are viscous, relentless and often hysterical.  How freaking DARE you drop my team two spots?  You have no business being a writer, you ........, you get the idea.

I have seen these comment sections denigrate into verbal wars that make Congress look civil.  I recall reading, not all of it obviously, about 10 or 12 pages of fans battling about how much Tom Brady sucked versus how much Peyton Manning sucked because of either power rankings or grades.  These people/children actually tried, page after page to state their case, being serious.

Now I'm all for a good sports debate, or many other kinds, but sometimes there is no debate, and when it comes to trying to support your case of whether Tom Brady or Peyton Manning suck, you're stupid, seriously.

Yesterday my next door neighbor shot and killed my dog.  My kid broke his collar bone at football practice.  I have a huge swing set in my back yard and yesterday it crumbled to ground like a slinky.  My 9 year old daughter was on it.

But, the Kansas City Chiefs got an A+ for their game on Sunday so all of the aforementioned stuff really didn't matter to me.