Florida Gators Cast Lead For Sequel: Trey Burton's Secret Audition
It’s just another spring afternoon in Gainesville, Florida, and there, on University Avenue, a series of prodigiously well-sculpted 18 year old males surreptitiously wander into the back door of the infamous Grog House, where in awaits the Director. Simply known in the biz as The Urb, he now has the monumental task of selecting the cast for his epic sequel, tentatively titled “The Lord Of the Rings: The Two Tebows”. At the door, Jeremy Foley wears a faded, skin tight #15 jersey, and acts as bouncer.
On the door is taped a notice:
“Casting Call: Auditions for the role of handsomely well built true freshman Back-Up Quarterback who slowly undermines the confidence and leadership of talented, but slightly vapid, upperclassman Starter.”
The crowd of muscular talent grows inside the bar, as each young man paces the slightly damp floors grasping onto their packet of required head shots: one shirtless full body, another in which their facial expressions are supposed to emote something along the lines of ‘I just slayed a dragon/ stopped a bio terrorist attack with my teeth’, and a third close up of them in tears with eye black streaming down their face.
Danny Wuerfell emerges from a dark back room with a clip board in hand and calls out a name. “Trey Burton”
Trey: “I’m Here Mr. Wuerfell”
Danny: “Just call me Danny son. Come on back.”
In they walk into a hidden chamber, poorly lit. There sits a single man quietly in the shadows. Danny shuts the door, and takes a stand behind Urban. A faint hum of “we are the boys” can be barely detected over the silence.
Urban: “So, Trey Burton of Venice, Florida. Thanks for coming in. I expect you have a scene prepared for us today?”
Trey: “Of course.” [Bows head and sits silently for a minute]
Urban: “Trey, we’re ready when you are.”
Trey: [Lifts head, pauses for a moment of somber reflection, then unleashes a charismatically irresistible grin] “Actually Coach Meyer, that was it. That was my scene.... I call it ‘Post-SEC Championship Moment of Prayer of the Humble Idolized Athlete.’ I also have other such scenes prepared such as ‘Moment of Internal Dissonance Followed by Soul Churning Prayerful Introspection in Response to Loss to Unranked Opponent.’ ....”
Urban: “Oh. No. That first one was great. You actually had me believing you were in a state of prayerful mediation. Damn, you’re a natural. Do you have any speaking parts prepared for us? That’s not to say that that scene didn’t speak to me.....”
Trey: “Oh, definitely.” [takes a sip of gatorade and clears throat]
“Chris Lea...errr..I mean John Brantley is a great quarterback. I'm not going to worry about trying to get playing time. I'm just going to train as hard as I can, and that's all I can do. I’m just excited to be a part of the gator nation, and feel the support of our fans. I’m just here to do whatever Coach Meyer asks of me. God Bless”
Urban: [applauds] “Trey, that was brilliant.”
Trey: “Thanks coach.”
Urban: “There is this one thing. They say you are right handed. You do realize the part is written for a lefty...”
Trey: “I’m ambidextrous.” [Trey proceeds to strike Heisman pose using a left sided stiff arm].
Urban: “Trey, You’ve won me over. Though, you do realize that this isn’t a straight up remake of the original. All that time in the hospital allowed me to have a creative awakening. Where in the last story your character visited prisons to minster to inmates, in this version you will actually agree to be imprisoned, form a football team, and then lead a rag tag group of inmates to victory over the prison guards....”
Trey: “Coach, no disrespect, but isn’t that just....”
Urban: “ ... The Longest Yard. Yes yes. I know. But seeing that so many of our players are being tossed into jail these days, I figured I’d turn a bad situation into another championship. It's all about having a winner's mentality. And lets be real, the prison guard conference is definitely tougher than the ACC or the Big 10. But even they can’t stop the spread offense.”
Trey: “So Coach, did I get the role?”
Urban: “It’s yours. Danny, go tell the other boys to go home. Trey, congratulations. You start tomorrow at 8am. Chris Leak is coming in to give Brantley advise on how to block out heckling from the student section during home games....”
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