Alain Bernard: The Ugliest Gold Medalist Ever

Ben WeixlmannSenior Writer IAugust 13, 2008

Aside from being remembered for his pre-race comments about how his French relay team was going to "smash" the Americans, swimmer Alain Bernard may be most recognized because of how incredibly ugly he is.

The 25-year-old Bernard is a stout 6'5", with muscles reminiscent of Phil Pfister. But Bernard's head clearly hasn't been beefing up along with the rest of his body. When he emerged from the water to rejoice after seeing his winning time, I couldn't help but notice how absolutely awkward he looked.

Taking nothing away from Bernard's athletic accomplishments, if he weren't such an amazing swimmer, I'm pretty sure he could fit in quite nicely in the new Shrek movie. I've heard they're auditioning replacements. I think he's found his retirement calling.

In examining more pictures from tonight's 100 meter final, it has come to my attention that maybe Bernard is really the one doing himself a disservice. His back and shoulders are so massive that any dome piece would look miniature.

I'm sort of running out of ways to describe his looks, but one observation may explain the whole deal. If you notice, his name is Alain, or strikingly similar to "alien", and his name and wording couldn't be better matched.

Congratulations to Bernard for being one of the best athletes in the entire Beijing Games, but I've seen enough. I think it's time for me to purge.