Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Buffalo @ New England (-14)
After a 14-10 lead at halftime, the Patriots were shut down by the Jets defense without an injured Darrelle Revis, managing just 80 yards in the second half on their way to a 28-14 loss. Luckily, the Pats host the Bills this week, a team widely considered to be the NFL’s worst.
“I’ll not engage in any Bills-bashing,” Tom Brady said. “Buffalo may be down on its luck, but I’ll defend any fellow AFC East team, as long as it’s not the Jets or Dolphins. The Bills have many things going for them, but I think this one particular superlative describes the team best: they were voted ‘Team Most Likely To Move To Canada.’”
“Like I said after the Jets game, we sucked in the second half. It’s not often the Pats go scoreless in a half, especially after such a productive first half. You can look at that at a glass half-full; I prefer to look at it as one half-empty.”
“But I know a sight for sore eyes when I see one. Heck, I’m married to one. And the Bills are a sight for sore eyes. Therefore, we welcome the Bills team and their fans to Gillette Stadium. And, as proof of our hospitality, we’re gladly allowing willing fans to shoot all the liquor they want from a bowling ball. We’ll spare nothing in our efforts to please.”
Harvard-educated Ryan Fitzpatrick will get the start against the Pats, taking over for Trent Edwards, as the Bills try to infuse some Ivy League pep into their stagnant offense.
“Speaking of ‘ivy,’” Fitzpatrick said, “the joke around town is that it moves faster than the Bills offense. Even faster if it’s playing our defense.”
But enough with the nonsense. We can only hope the Pats are looking ahead to next week’s showdown in Miami with the Dolphins. If that happens, we can only pray our early 6-0 lead holds up.”
Brady throws for four touchdowns, two to Randy Moss, who snares one-handed grabs with each hand.
New England wins 38-17.