Predictions are like a certain universal body part: Everyone has one, and most of the time what they produce should be flushed down the toilet.
It is with that high standard in mind that I will dabble in the art of "Swami-ism" as I try to predict this week's SEC matchups.
UAB @ Tennessee
It does not take a psychic to tell you who will win this game. UAB is in a sad state of affairs and will be pummeled by a Tennessee team looking to erase last week’s tragic loss to Florida. Tennessee wins this one 45-6.
No. 22 West Virginia @ No. 15 LSU
Fire up the boudin sausage and gumbo down on the bayou, because this week the Tiger offense will be worth celebrating. This is not an indication of coaching or Jordan Jefferson finally living up to potential, but instead a realization that the Mountaineer defense is pathetic. LSU wins big, 33-10.
Fresno State @ Ole Miss
The Rebels will absolutely, 150 percent, beyond a shadow of a doubt WIN the tailgate party! However, they lose the game in disgusting fashion 35-21. On a side note, the folks in Boise throw a parade and call it the greatest sports achievement in Idaho state history.
Georgia @ Miss St.
Is there any way that both teams can lose this game? I was on the Miss St. bandwagon to start the year, and I bought into the Dan Mullen hype machine big time, but that ship has sailed. Georgia pathetically wins this ball game 13-9.
Kentucky @ No. 9 Florida
Randall Cobb and Derrick Locke are going to be the two most effective offensive weapons down in Gainesville, and that speaks volumes to the offensive woes of the Gators. However, Kentucky has a defense that is about as fortified as France was in April 1940, so Kentucky surrenders to the powerful blitzkrieg of the Gators 35-28 (they do put up a better fight than the French, however).
No. 12 South Carolina @ No. 17 Auburn
Governor Mark Sanford launches the second wave of the Palmetto State's invasion of East Alabama this weekend when he sends in his top general Steve Spurrier. Look for Spurrier to take advantage of weakened defenses due to a surprisingly intense conflict last week. The Gamecocks claim a narrow victory 24-21.
No. 1 Alabama @ No. 10 Arkansas
Many expect an all-out war, but I see it more akin to the Battle of the Little Bighorn. Expect Bobby Petrino to play the part of Custer, with Ryan Mallett and the rest of the 7th Calvary being scalped by Chief Crazyhorse Nick Saban and his braves. Alabama slaughters Arkansas 45-10.
So there are the greatest predictions you will ever be willing to flush out of your minds or tell your friends, "Hey man, you gotta see this bleep"—which in reality is all predictions are.