In a stunning development, San Francisco police have stormed the residence of Bleacher Report co-founder Bryan Goldberg in response to calls from neighbors reporting screams of a man and a woman fighting.
Police found Mr. Goldberg alone, wearing a blonde wig, a leotard, and a Tony Romo jersey. As this type of ambiguity is not uncommon in Northern California, police initially wrote off the situation as a false lead.
Upon further examination, however, it was clear that the resident was not well, in a trance-like state, and muttering something about “having done it again,” while following this up with specifics about Tony Romo’s butt.
Again, not too unusual, but for the state of the suspect.
On the television was coverage of the Olympic Games, and a dejected-looking Alicia Sacramone.
Sacramone, the Olympic gymnast single-handedly responsible for dashing U.S. chances at gold, had recently been courted by Goldberg via a largely circulated article on his website, and whispers of a Mexican getaway shortly before her disastrous balance beam routine had been swirling around the airwaves.
Police removed Goldberg from the situation and placed him under the care of mustachioed lunatic Bella Karolyi, whom, after a rant about how the entire Chinese team was cheating, had this to say about his fascinating subject,
“He’sa Jessica, He’sa Jessica!”
Pressed further about what the hell he was talking about, Karolyi took reporters to an observation room, where they witnessed a very confused Jessica Simpson trying to make sense of her surroundings.
Initially this appeared normal.
Pressed by Karolyi to keep watching, a hush came over the crowd as Simpson huddled in the corner, crouched into a ball and rocked back and forth.
Slowly, Simpson removed a wig, wiped off her makeup, and shed some false T&A to reveal none other than Goldberg.
The crowd gasped and flashbulbs lit up the one way glass.
“I tolda you, I tolda you,” Karolyi bellowed, and followed with, “bibida bobida boo.”
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