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Breaking News: Bryan Goldberg is Jessica Simpson

by Daniel Muth [HUMOR]

18

1430 reads

Humor

August 12, 2008


In a stunning development, San Francisco police have stormed the residence of Bleacher Report co-founder Bryan Goldberg in response to calls from neighbors reporting screams of a man and a woman fighting.

Police found Mr. Goldberg alone, wearing a blonde wig, a leotard, and a Tony Romo jersey. As this type of ambiguity is not uncommon in Northern California, police initially wrote off the situation as a false lead.

Upon further examination, however, it was clear that the resident was not well, in a trance-like state, and muttering something about “having done it again,” while following this up with specifics about Tony Romo’s butt. 

Again, not too unusual, but for the state of the suspect.

On the television was coverage of the Olympic Games, and a dejected-looking Alicia Sacramone.

Sacramone, the Olympic gymnast single-handedly responsible for dashing U.S. chances at gold, had recently been courted by Goldberg via a largely circulated article on his website, and whispers of a Mexican getaway shortly before her disastrous balance beam routine had been swirling around the airwaves.

Police removed Goldberg from the situation and placed him under the care of mustachioed lunatic Bella Karolyi, whom, after a rant about how the entire Chinese team was cheating, had this to say about his fascinating subject,

“He’sa Jessica, He’sa Jessica!”

Pressed further about what the hell he was talking about, Karolyi took reporters to an observation room, where they witnessed a very confused Jessica Simpson trying to make sense of her surroundings. 

Initially this appeared normal. 

Pressed by Karolyi to keep watching, a hush came over the crowd as Simpson huddled in the corner, crouched into a ball and rocked back and forth.

Slowly,  Simpson removed a wig, wiped off her makeup, and shed some false T&A to reveal none other than Goldberg.

The crowd gasped and flashbulbs lit up the one way glass.

“I tolda you, I tolda you,” Karolyi bellowed, and followed with, “bibida bobida boo.”

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18 comments Last one added 10 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. BigReg 10 months ago

    HAHAHA, great article but you need to link into Bryan's article somehow. Very funny read. Loved the line about Romo knowing that she was a dude. No wonder he played so piss poor in the playoffs. I would to if I just spent a week in Mexico with a he/she

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      Yeah, I'm sure this won't get too many hits, and you would've had to read Bryan's article to get it. But what are you going to do? Put it out there and see if anyone finds it. Thanks B-Reg (can't resist after your "worst nicknames" article).

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    • BigReg 10 months ago

      No, the only thing that I was saying is you should put an actual link from your article into Bryan's article. I have seen it done but have no idea how. This is a great BR article and needs to be seen by plenty of people.

      Plus I really like the pic, almost as much as Alicias.

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      Oooooh. Come to thing of it, I've seen that too. Maybe I'll ask the big wigs. Good idea!

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  2. Nicole Sadler 10 months ago

    Oh my god, this is the perfectly hilarious follow up article to Bryan's love letter to Alicia Sacramone. Too freakin' funny. The Bella Caroli quotes were priceless!

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  3. Zander Freund 10 months ago

    "Police found Mr. Goldberg alone, wearing a blonde wig, a leotard, and a Tony Romo jersey. As this type of ambiguity is not uncommon in Northern California, police initially wrote off the situation as a false lead."

    NICE!

    "Apparently, Goldberg is schizophrenic and has no memory of the double life he’s led, and Caroli insisted the disorder naturally gives birth to conjugal opposites.

    Simpson is, of course, an evangelical blonde airhead, and Goldberg a brunette Jewish tech guy."

    THIS had me in stitches...

    "When the shocking news of Goldberg/Simpson was relayed, Sacramone responded, “Who the hell is Bryan Goldberg?”

    THIS had me on the floor!

    5 stars and POTD...I've also added a hyperlink into the article to Bryan's original piece.

    BTW Dan, you can add links within your articles via the following steps:

    1) Highlight the text you want to link
    2) Click the paperclip looking icon on the toolbar (fourth over from the right)
    3) Enter the url of the link

    Excellent work my man!

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      Wow, thanks for the props and the technical know-how. Apparently, I should write bleary-eyed editorials at 3:30 in the morning more often! It's always best when my brain doesn't get in the way.

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  4. Alan Bass 10 months ago

    ahahahaha amazing daniel!

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  5. Jacob Sloan 10 months ago

    Nice article. The “Yeah, I knew she was a dude” and “Who the hell is Bryan Goldberg?” quotes were priceless.

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      "Yeah, I knew she was a dude," is what made me laugh out loud to myself when I was writing this up. We must be on the same wavelength Jacob.

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  6. Jimbo 10 months ago

    Excellent! I knew you were weird, Daniel. But geez, get help... ;)

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  7. L.J. Burgess 10 months ago

    This is the fifth time I've read this and it gets better every time.

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      I've read it a couple times myself, and can barely remember WRITING it at all. Perhaps it's me who is schizophrenic. Whoever the dude was that wrote it, I like his style. Thanks, for the pick buddy.

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  8. Saraswathi Siriginia 10 months ago

    Daniel, you are too good and I wonder what Bryan thinks about this, smashing piece, maan! You rock big time, rock star! I was rolling in laughter!

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    • Daniel Muth 10 months ago

      Bryan got the first shot at this one as I felt it was my duty to inform him. I think he liked it, though, I imagine it's always funnier when you're not the one being parodied! Thanks for the pick and the props.

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