Breaking News: Bryan Goldberg is Jessica Simpson
In a stunning development, San Francisco police have stormed the residence of Bleacher Report co-founder Bryan Goldberg in response to calls from neighbors reporting screams of a man and a woman fighting.
Police found Mr. Goldberg alone, wearing a blonde wig, a leotard, and a Tony Romo jersey. As this type of ambiguity is not uncommon in Northern California, police initially wrote off the situation as a false lead.
Upon further examination, however, it was clear that the resident was not well, in a trance-like state, and muttering something about “having done it again,” while following this up with specifics about Tony Romo’s butt.
Again, not too unusual, but for the state of the suspect.
On the television was coverage of the Olympic Games, and a dejected-looking Alicia Sacramone.
Sacramone, the Olympic gymnast single-handedly responsible for dashing U.S. chances at gold, had recently been courted by Goldberg via a largely circulated article on his website, and whispers of a Mexican getaway shortly before her disastrous balance beam routine had been swirling around the airwaves.
Police removed Goldberg from the situation and placed him under the care of mustachioed lunatic Bella Karolyi, whom, after a rant about how the entire Chinese team was cheating, had this to say about his fascinating subject,
“He’sa Jessica, He’sa Jessica!”
Pressed further about what the hell he was talking about, Karolyi took reporters to an observation room, where they witnessed a very confused Jessica Simpson trying to make sense of her surroundings.
Initially this appeared normal.
Pressed by Karolyi to keep watching, a hush came over the crowd as Simpson huddled in the corner, crouched into a ball and rocked back and forth.
Slowly, Simpson removed a wig, wiped off her makeup, and shed some false T&A to reveal none other than Goldberg.
The crowd gasped and flashbulbs lit up the one way glass.
“I tolda you, I tolda you,” Karolyi bellowed, and followed with, “bibida bobida boo.”
Apparently, Goldberg is schizophrenic and has no memory of the double life he’s led, and Karolyi insisted the disorder naturally gives birth to conjugal opposites.
Simpson is, of course, an evangelical blonde airhead, and Goldberg a brunette Jewish tech guy.
This also refueled the debate raging around the issue of whether it’s REALLY the beer goggles or simply false advertising, and makeup giant Revlon quietly settled thousands of lawsuits with men who felt they’d been shortchanged at one time or another.
Tony Romo released this statement through his agent, “Yeah, I knew she was a dude.”
The only true commonality between the two personalities seems to be their ability to absolutely curse their famous sports celebrity significant others.
In a brutal follow up interview with NBC, Sacramone was forced to admit that it was entirely her fault the U.S. didn’t win the gold, fielded a question about how painful it was particularly because it was all her fault, and was asked if she could even look her teammates in the face because it was all her fault.
When the shocking news of Goldberg/Simpson was relayed, Sacramone responded, “Who the hell is Bryan Goldberg?”
As the news spread around the world, initial shock was slowly transformed into acceptance. As an easily influenced typical idiot put it, “Think about it. You’ve never seen them together in the same place. Coincidence?”
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