Here at the School, we'll teach you how to thoroughly evaluate any situation...and make the worst possible decision about your next move.
Let's take a look at this free introductory video welcome from Bobby...
"Hi, I'm Bobby Petrino. Following a successful 2006 season at Louisville, I had the top college quarterback in the nation forgo the NFL to come back for his senior season and help lead us to a national championship.
"But I looked around, thought hard, and said, 'No, you know what? I'm going to leave this job for one with those cellar-dwellers of the NFL, the Atlanta Falcons. I've noticed that their quarterback, Michael Vick, has had a few run-ins with the law, and his completion percentage has been dropping the past two seasons!'"
[Video shows Vick overthrowing running backs, underthrowing wide receivers, and flipping off Atlanta fans. Back to Petrino.]
"Now that my quarterback's in prison and my team is 3-10, I'm looking for another crap situation to step into. I looked around at college jobs and thought, 'What one head coaching position in America is utterly dependent on the best player in college football who just happens to be leaving to go to the NFL?'"
[Cut to shot of Darren McFadden running past opponents. Back to Petrino.]
"Why Arkansas? Here's a free lesson for you on my patented decision-making process:
"I was considering Arkansas and Michigan, but I realized that Arkansas would be completely devastated by the loss of McFadden, while Michigan would only be set back by the graduation of Chad Henne and Mike Hart.
"So my decision was easy!
"I also want you to know that in taking the Arkansas job, I passed up another lucrative offer—head of programming for HBO."
[Cut to shot of Sopranos wrap party, overlain with newspaper headline reading: "What Will Happen To HBO Without The Sopranos?" Back to Petrino.]
"But just because I've stepped into another disastrous situation, I don't want you to think this is the end of the line for ol' Bobby. No, siree. I plan to coach here for a few years and prepare myself for my return to the NFL...
"As head coach of the New England Patriots the year after Tom Brady retires!"