10. Change the lock on the clubhouse door and have the security guards pretend they don’t know who he is.
9. Have him undergo Tommy John surgery next week―whether he needs it or not.
8. While Heilman is warming up, give Billy Joel a bottle of wine and the Mets’ old bullpen cart and set him loose in the bullpen.
7. Cheer him up by taking him to the zoo. And then “accidentally” throw him into the lion pit.
6. Strap him to a seat, clamp his eyelids open, A Clockwork Orange–style, and make him watch film of his pitching performances over and over again.
5. Have Fred Wilpon send him to military school.
4. Put him in a reality show with Mel Rojas, Guillermo Mota, and Armando Benitez―they’ll share a house, and the last one out alive wins.
3. Drive him out to the country and set him free.
2. Throw him a surprise party, but the “surprise” is to bury him under Citi Field.
1. Just trade his sorry ass out of town.
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