The alarm sounds, and the clock blinks 7:00am. Bruce Buffer hops out of bed, throws on his grey silk robe, and heads downstairs. After flicking on the coffee maker, he yawns and grabs a bottle of water. His wife, Annie Buffer, arrives soon after, dressed in a matching robe.
Bruce Buffer:Good morning! And WELCOME to Wednesday, August 13, LIVE from the Buffer Household on Deerwood Avenue!
Annie Buffer: *Sigh…*
It is 7:30, and Bruce heads up to his son’s room.
Bruce Buffer: It’s TIME! To wake up for school! Today’s school day is scheduled for six classes at Peabody Elementary!
After dropping his son at school, Bruce heads to the UFC Offices to work on voice-overs and edits for future UFC DVD releases. This takes up much of the day and is hard work, with Bruce sneaking out only for one quick coffee break.
Starbucks Barista: Can I help you?
Bruce Buffer: One coffee please.
Starbucks Barista: You’ll have to be more specific, we’ve got…
Bruce Buffer:My coffee is a dark roast coffee hailing from the fields of Guatemala. It is a rich yet smooth blend with a record of 100% satisfaction. I would like one…Large…KOMODO DRAGON BLEND!
Bruce picks his son up on the way home from work. As they arrive home, a friend of Bruce’s is waiting for him.
Jeff Smith: Hey Bruce, how ya doing? I just came by to borrow that scroll saw.
Bruce Buffer: No problem Jeff. This scroll saw is a Black and Decker 6-Series. It was manufactured in Mexico and has a THREE YEAR manufacturer’s warranty!
Jeff Smith:Uhh, thanks. Hey, who’s this little guy?
Bruce Buffer:Oh, I’m sorry. THIS…is a little boy hailing from Peoria, Illinois. He is eight years old, stands 4 feet 4 inches tall and is in the THIRD grade! He is the starting goalie for his Pee-Wee hockey team and he got an A on his math test last week…THIS is my son, DOUGIEEEEEEE BUFFEEEEEERRRR!
Dinner time is approaching, and Bruce heads into the living room to let little Doug Buffer know. At the table, Bruce is asked to say grace.
Bruce Buffer:The Buffer Family would like to thank God for providing this bounty. Tonight’s dinner has been brought to you by A&P Groceries, Eat Fresh, Daily, and Bud Light, the official beer of the UFC. Tonight’s dinner is scheduled for THREE courses and smells delicious! It has been prepared by my wife Annie, who was trained in the culinary arts by that pirate whore she calls a mother. Ladies and gentlemen, your main course of the evening…VEAL…PARMIGIAN!
After dinner, the phone rings. It’s Bruce’s mother, Jean.
Jean Buffer: Hello? Who am I speaking with?
Bruce Buffer:Mom, this is your youngest son. Answering the phone on the living room cordless, drinking a beer and watching the game, YOU are speaking with your son…BRUUUUUUUCE!
Jean Buffer: Why do you always have to talk that way? Your brother Michael has the same job, and he doesn’t speak like that outside of his work!
Finally, the clock blinks 10:00pm. After a long day, it’s time for bed. But first, Bruce rolls over to wife Annie.
Bruce Buffer: (whispering) It’s time…for the MAIN EVENT of the evening!
Annie Buffer: Bruce, I’m too tired…
Bruce Buffer: But I am a sensual massage black belt, standing…
Annie Buffer: Oh, for God’s sake, just do it and shut up.
Bruce Buffer: It’s TIME!!!…