Brian Scalabrine to Chicago Bulls? Rest Of East Trembles In Fear

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Well it appears the rich are about to get richer as free agent stud Brian Scalabrine is set to sign with the Chicago Bulls.

What does this mean for the rest of the Eastern Conference and the NBA in general?  In one word, trouble. 

Scalabrine brings, umm, a lot to the table for any team lucky enough to land the ginger's services.

Let's take a look at this potential blockbuster acquisition.

Height

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Brian is, well, tall.

That means he can guard (or attempt to guard) other tall people, right?

Here he see him matching up with Rashard Lewis.  While it appears Brian is closing his eyes and has his head turned away from the ball in general, he is no doubt telling Lewis "Back off, or I will attempt to bear hug that ball away from you."

Right on, Brian.

Preparation

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No one in the NBA is as prepared as Brian Scalabrine.  There, I said it.

While others are wasting time working on silly things such as "passing" or "defense," Brian's motto is "just shoot, baby."

Despite being 6'9'', over half of his shots came from behind the three-point line last year, no doubt an impressive stat.

Intensity

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Every team needs a spark plug, and Brian serves as just that.

He is often the first off the bench to congratulate a teammate on a sweet pass or an awesome shot.  High five?  More like a high-five-slap-on-the-butt combo!

Teams can also afford to hire one less cheerleader with Brian on board, saving a franchise an invaluable few hundred dollars.

Dishing The Rock

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Remember a few slides back when I said that Brian doesn't work on his passing?

When you got natural skills like this, you don't need to.

Master of the rare two-handed jump pass, Brian has frozen yet another defender, no doubt leading to an easy bucket for a teammate. 

Some may complain about his 3.3 career points per game, but when you can dish it like this, why the need to be a ball hog? 

Two shots a game is all this sharpshooter needs to light it up.

Ticket Sales

Thousands of tickets were sold by the Boston Celtics the past few years thanks to fans who saw Brian's picture in the media guide, only to confuse him with Will Ferrell.

It wasn't until after the game the confused fans inquired why Will had only played six minutes. 

Friendly ushers helped to clarify the mix up.

The Perfect Teammate

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While other players can be clubhouse cancers, Brian really is the perfect teammate.

Coaches often times have to worry about player egos, who to start, what minutes everyone should get, keeping stars happy and role players busy, etc.

With Brian, the coach doesn't need to worry about petty things like "playing time".  If Brian gets into the game, cool, if not, that's cool too.

He's just happy to be part of the team whether they actually realize he's there or not.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'm

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Need a wide-open layup?  How about an uncontested dunk?  No problem for the former USC Trojan.

While other players tend to be a bit too flashy with their windmills and 360's, Brian doesn't want a sip of that Kool-Aid.

He keeps it old school.  Two hands, hand the ball to the ref, and get back on defense, got it?

No Media Darling

While other players made a circus out of their free agency this summer, Brian just doesn't dance to that tune.

He has preferred to lay back and wait, letting free agency come to him.

While many were surprised he turned down the Celtics $85 million extension, it is clear that money is not the most important thing to Brian.

Being a good teammate. Spreading the high fives around. Knocking down that open three pointer 32 percent of the time.

All just another day at the office for Brian Scalabrine.

 

God help the rest of the East.