I am chagrined to admit that the following story is more antiquated than the clothing that was worn on the hit television program Miami vice.
Nevertheless, I had zero knowledge of this surreal tale until a friend recently informed me of the account and, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I feel compelled to ensure that my audience knows the details of the situation.
Prior to Opening Day, Houston Astros second baseman Kazuo “Kaz” Matsui underwent surgery to repair anal fissure and he missed the first three weeks of the baseball season on the disabled list.
Anal fissure is medically defined as an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation. The grand majority of anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability.
Some of the various causes of this fissure include:
- Straining to defecate
- Severe and chronic constipation or diarrhea
- Crohn’s disease and Ulcerative colitis
- Tight sphincter muscles
- Anal intercourse
Matsui, 32, a switch hitter who has a career .272 batting average, recovered from his bummed asshole and played quite well before he was again placed on the disabled list in June with a strained right hamstring.
It is impossible to know if Matsui got ravaged in the keyster like Marcellus Wallace did in Pulp Fiction or not. For all we know, the native of Osaka, Japan may have had an unfortunate incident with a “Fusilli Jerry” like Frank Costanza did in Seinfeld.
Nonetheless, this scenario “was a million to one shot” and I am glad I reported it no matter how outdated Matsui’s plight may be.
From this point forward, Matsui will replace Cosmo Kramaer and be heralded as “the Assman.”