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Androids Need Love, Too, and Randy Moss Is Loved By All!

It's okay, Randy; I'm beautiful!
It's okay, Randy; I'm beautiful!Jim Rogash/Getty Images
Bryan HealeyCorrespondent ISeptember 13, 2010

Oh, Moss...

Today, as all days, should have been about Brady. That gorgeous man with the dimples that practically touch each other brushed off a blitz from a mini van, took the football and threw it down field all afternoon to grab a victory from the Bengals on Sunday. It didn't even look like he was trying very hard, spending most of his time swooshing his head around and letting his hair blow in the cool breeze while a man photographed him from all angles. I don't know how the cheerleaders are able to even remember their cheers...

Throwing for 258 yards and 3 touchdowns for a sparkling passer rating of 120.9, Brady showed us all that it's actually good for you to get hit by a car. I envision many fans around the state will start driving even more recklessly than usual, a truly horrifying thought if you've ever driven through Boston on a Saturday morning, looking to increase their fantasy standings through some therapeutic fender-benders.

Brady truly seems to be bullet proof these days (a theory that I will resist the urge to test). It didn't even tarnish his reputation when we all found out that the car he smashed wasn't even his car, but rather a donation from a charity. I didn't know you could donate cars to celebrities for charity, but the next time I'm looking to offload a 1980 Volkswagen with 350,000 miles and a busted radiator, I'll be sure to give it to Randy Moss.

Why? Because he deserves it, that's why!

Don't question him! He's Randy Moss! He scored 23 touchdowns three years ago! Remember? Of course you remember, because he's Randy Moss! You can never forget anything about Randy Moss, because that's all you ever think about, because he's just that awesome. Even as I write this, I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts, what with all the Randy Moss running through my mind.

Don't worry yourself too much, though, because Randy doesn't care. How could anyone as splendid and wonderful and spectacular as Randy possibly care about you? No, of course he doesn't, because he's Randy Moss! By the way, and I don't mean to change the subject without a segue, but how come Brady got all that money and extensions and such, and Randy didn't? Can you answer me that? What does Brady have (besides those beautiful blue eyes) that Randy doesn't? The answer: Nothing. Randy gets no respect...

And lost in all this craziness is Welker, who scored 2 touchdowns yesterday despite being a soulless android incapable of feeling love. When he needed his circuit boards serviced last year, he feigned a near catastrophic injury to his knee, but of course we all know that robots can't break their knees. A little oil and a recharge of his nuclear reactor was all he needed to be back on the field, doing what he was programmed to do. The upgrades even offered him the ability to blink, a truly historic improvement for NFL Robotics.

And finally, I am out of nachos...

Next week, the Patriots look to improve to 2-0 by making Rex Ryan cry, even though he's not afraid of Belichick. No sir, not one bit. No fear... And a quick reminder: Zombie Favre is now only seven weeks away from his first visit to Foxboro since his untimely demise, so we all still have some time to prepare. I'll get the industrial-sized tub of bean dip, you airlift in the new supply of nachos...

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