For anyone reading this that still has an imagination, picture this: Three witches stand around a large, boiling cauldron on a rocky cliffside somewhere in Scotland. They stand in a rain-sodden cave, inserting various body parts and organs into this giant pot awaiting the result of their "ultimate footballer recipe" experiment.
Each believes that their fantasy footballer is astonishing, an unbelievable specimen, and, ultimately, the best of the bunch. Each of the three witches has their own opinion, their point of view. The first witch is me.
Now I am a relatively new football fanatic (I am only 13), but I know what the game is all about. Class is everything but everything isn't class.
Not every player has the ability to become the world's best. Just look at Titus Bramble. However, some players are simply devastating. Maybe some of the greatest athletes and most technically gifted people in the world ply their trade kicking leather at the weekends. Only a select few are like this and they are special for one reason or another.
I thought about this after I realised that Phillipe Senderos is about as useful as a bloke with no arms in a Mexican wave. I now want to mix all the best bits of world footballers and make a super-player.
Steven Hawking should stop wasting his time with Quantum Mechanics and figure out a formula to perform this.
But who and what about them would I mix?
So, in Dr. Frankenstein fashion, I am going to list my body parts and give reasons for those I have chosen: Footballer's of the world beware!
Hair: TARIBO WEST
Yes, I know he's a bit old but his hair is awesome. On par with Mr. T. Just phenomenal!
Brain: FABIO CANNAVARO
He proved at the World Cup of 2006 what a class act he is. Reads the game superbly. Probably the most influential defender on a tournament winning side since Franz Beckenbauer.
Ears: PAUL SCHOLES
An unlikely selection but he always seems to know where his team mates are. Always spots the pass. It's almost like he listens to his colleagues feet when they step, that's how he knows where they are.
Eyes: KAKA and CESC FABREGAS
These guys can see the whole pitch, even behind them it seems. Can pick the pass as good as anyone else, even better. Vision Express and Specsavers should get these guys to advertise.
Mouth: STEVEN GERRARD
Always talking to his team, a brilliant captain. Just one of his many traits. Great Player. Kop Legend, and I'm a gooner!
Neck and Head: MIROSLAV KLOSE
Best header of the ball I've seen. In 2002 Miroslav scored a hat trick of headers against world class opposition. Hey, Saudi Arabia can be dangerous when they want to be!
Torso and Shoulders: KAKA
His strength often goes unnoticed, often due to the fact that he's running incredibly fast. Hardly anyone get's the ball from him.
Right Arm: PATRICK VIEIRA
Highbury faithful can be certain of this selection. Many a time will they have seen the gangly Frenchman push off opponents with his overgrown upper right limb. Also got a good punch in there.
Left Arm: WAYNE ROONEY
A lot of Wazza's play depends on the passes delivered to him. His left arm always tells his counterparts where he wants the ball and with the likes of Paul Scholes in his team, it usually ends up there.
Right Leg: STEVEN GERRARD
My selection of legs are mainly about power. No more needs to be said.
Left Leg: ROBERTO CARLOS
Hits a ball like A freight train. Frightening and graceful. His left leg is a machine.
Feet: CRISTIANO RONALDO
I dislike the guy so very much. But he is a bit special. Quick feet to go with his even quicker mind. I hope he doesn't get any better, unless he goes to Spain next year.
Right Toes: FERNANDO TORRES
His touch is immense. You know, tall blond fellow. Scores a lot of goals—a LOT of goals.
Left Toes: LIONEL MESSI
The greatest player in the world. It's official, his toes are made of No More Nails. The ball sticks to them like a Pritt Stick on paper.
But, like I said there are three witches. The second is you...I want to know your recipe for the ultimate footballer, what you think would work the best. The third which is unknown...we will never know the recipe for the greatest footballer.
Not unless Steven Hawking is reading :)