Hey! Sportscenter’s back on, and they have a new, exciting story about the Patriots! Apparently Bill Belichick had a double cheeseburger for lunch. Oh, I gotta see that! I hope he liked it!
And it looks like after that, they have one about the color and weight of Tony Romo’s morning dump!
Maybe it’s because college football has been so wacky this year, but my God, I can’t even watch the NFL right now.
Besides the fact that every freakin’ story is about the Patriots or Cowboys, there are so many dumb teams and games each week, it’s excruciating just to check the scoreboard. So many teams have such horrible, puke-inducing offenses.
Hey check it out: Rian Lindell just kicked a 27-yard field goal, his fifth of the game—now the Bills are up 15-12 on the Jets!
Even the good teams make me want to jam a knife through my skull when they’re on TV. Take the Steelers for example. I would rather stick a gas nozzle in my mouth and fill my entire body until I exploded than watch Ben Roethlisberger scramble and find Hines Ward for 15 yards on a third-and-14 again.
It’s such a pain in my nuts to watch most of these teams try to move the ball down the field. Three-yard run. Four-yard wide receiver screen. Slant for seven yards. Good lord man, why don’t you just pour raw sewage over my head and then burn me alive?
There are so many mediocre, unbelievably boring teams in this league right now, I don’t even feel like wasting the energy to list them all.
And some of these quarterbacks—it’s ridiculous! Vinnie f*$%#n’ Testaverde is still getting starts? And has anyone seen David Carr’s hair? I can’t even think of a word that wouldn’t be a colossal understatement to describe how feminine and unfathomable it is.
Not to mention this recent fun idea that the NFL offers us: A team scores a touchdown, the game goes to commercial. Ten minutes later, it comes back on. The team kicks off. Touchback. Then more commercials! Hey NFL, why don't you just break both my legs and burn down my house?
You guys can all watch the NFL and enjoy it if you want. I just think that there are a million more important, fun, enjoyable things I can be doing with my Sunday—such as cleaning my toilet with my tongue, getting neutered, or getting attacked and eaten by a shark.
Looks like they went final in Tennessee: Titans 13, Raiders 9. Sh*t, I missed THAT game? I bet that would’ve been more exciting than sex with two chicks!!