LOS ANGELES - In an unexpected move, USC head football coach Pete Carroll announced his retirement from coaching late Wednesday. Although Carroll declined to give details on his decision to step down, an unidentified source close to the coach gave some insight.
“Coach was still pretty shook up about that Stanford loss,” the source said. “There were times I’d come into his office in the weeks after that game and he’d be watching the tape of the last two minutes on a continuous loop, and he’d be rocking back and forth in his chair and crying a little.”
Carroll made no comments regarding his future after coaching, but the bankrupt owner of a chain of tanning salons based in Ames, Iowa, said the coach had contacted him about purchasing his company.
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Bob Tensford, owner of Favorite Sun Tanning, reported that Carroll visited his corporate office several weeks ago to finalize the deal, thus saving the nine stores scattered throughout central Iowa.
People close to the coach believe this is a way for Carroll to give something back to the community that treated him so well when he was an assistant at Iowa State University—namely the gorgeous bronze tans for which Carroll became so famous during his tenure at USC.
“Not everybody is lucky enough to, like, be able to soak up the rays in LA,” said excited ISU junior Sandy Henwright. “This totally helps the pasty folks of Ames keep their tans throughout these long Iowa winters. Last year my friend Angie didn’t get a base tan before we went to Panama City for spring break, and she totally got sun poisoning after she passed out on the beach.”
While many applaud Carroll’s decision to keep the students of ISU SoCal tan on a year-round basis, some believe the coach may have ulterior motives in making the acquisition.
“After some of our, uh, bigger-sized female customers got done with their sessions, the coach would go in there with a rag and wipe down the inside of the bed,” Tensford said. “He’d close his eyes, take a deep sniff off the rag, and mutter, ‘Oh, that’s what daddy like! Oh mama!’ Weirded me out, man.”
Carroll will remain on board to coach USC in the Rose Bowl against Illinois.
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9 months ago
Great satire man... until that last sentence. That's just disgusting.
*twitch*
9 months ago
That was hilarious........
www.planetberries.com
9 months ago
Nicely written
9 months ago
maybe carl doaral wouid buy the store nearest the fishing hole, he not doing anything right now !
from 9 months ago
Karl Dorrell you mean? With that kind of spelling, you must be a UCLA grad...
9 months ago
You had me until that last paragraph.
9 months ago
Jim Harbaugh: Enthusiasm, and prophetic powers of prediction, unknown to mankind.
9 months ago
Pete Carroll's stunning tan is an inspiration to us all.
9 months ago
Colt Brennan - 131 touchdown passes, 23 NCAA records, led the only undefeated team in America. Who else can say that?.... Nobody. How can he not win the Heisman? If you are skeptical, I challenge you to watch last week's Hawaii vs. Washington. Colt is amazing!
9 months ago
I sent this to my buddy who's a huge SC fan. To put it lightly, he shit his pants.
9 months ago
He doesn't care. If he did, it would be a Tanning & Waxing Salon.
9 months ago
The ceremony for the unveiling of the bronze statue memorializing his many charitable and selfless contributions has been delayed again.
The next person caught painting tan lines on this statue is wiping down all the dirty tanning beds.
9 months ago
Grand Opening Special!
Show your college id and receive one free tanning session!
9 months ago
Pete Carroll is quite the arrogant darshbag for the record
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