As a fanatical WWE fan, I was inspired to write about the 1,000th episode of Raw the day after I saw the utter disaster that was the 900th episode.
Initially, I was upset that I wasn't able to catch the 6 PM show out on the West coast. But I realized it was for the better: it absolutely SUCKED!
The only good part of the show was the Undertaker/Kane segment with Bret Hart and Nexus. But they were the only active big-name performers still there during the Attitude Era.
On the other hand, the 1,000th episode will have everything the 900th one did NOT have: energy, passion, legends making guest appearances, true plot lines, and unpredictability.
Without further ado, here is my booked 1,000th episode. It is also a three-hour special. I will skip the matches but not the promos.
Warning: This is going to be TV-14. This might be a tad long as well.
6:00 PM: The typical pyrotechnics go off as Monday Night Raw is on the air. "This is the 1,000th episode of Raw!" Jim Ross exclaims. He's happy that he is healthy enough for this special occasion. For me, I'm happy that Michal Cole is off the air.
"Oh man this will be huge tonight!" says Jerry Lawler trying to summarize the night. Lawler had considered retirement but decided to keep going.
6:02 PM: We hear John Cena's latest song, Invisible Nation, blaring through the loudspeakers. Cena, now a heel with his own stable comes out to thunderous boos. He enters the ring with his stable: Drew McIntyre, Ted DiBiase, Skip Sheffield, Chris Masters, Shad Gaspard, and Triple H.
Triple H reformed DX just in time to merge with the Cenation. Now, the monster heel stable is called "Cenation X".
6:08 PM: "All you losers can't handle the fact that Cenation X is unstoppable! There is no stopping us!" Bellows Cena towards the end of his promo. "We are taking ov--"
6:09 PM: "If you ssssmmmmmeeeelllllll..." The WWE Universe erupts in cheers. In fact, three minutes were wasted because of the pops Rock got. The Rock has finally come back to WWE, after many years of anticipation, of red herrings, of movies.
6:12 PM: "The Rock has come back to the WWE!" Rock addresses the shocked crowd. Cena tries to stop the momentum. "What are you doing here, Rock? This show is for wrestlers, not actors." Zing! But Rock has made a comeback.
6:13 PM: "Who in the blue hell are you?" inquires the Rock. Cena answers. "My name is Jo--" "It doesn't matter what your name is!" yells the Rock much to the crowd's delight. "Well you haven't made a good movie in ten years. Bring it, tooth fairy!" taunts Cena.
"Oh yeah." says the Rock. "The Rock says what about the thousands of kids who once adored you watching that movie with you?" You can't argue with that.
"The Rock says there's a reason why I'm at Hollywood and you're here having to partner with HHH: because you're a horrible actor!" HHH and Cena are furious.
6:15 PM: The Rock goes back to the locker room and DiBiase and Masters prepare for their tag titles defense against the newly acquired Motor City Machine Guns in a no-DQ match. We go to commercial.
Promo rating: *****
6:18 PM: "The Motor City Machine Guns have made their presence known in the WWE," says Jerry Lawler to JR, bringing him up to speed. "They will challenge Cenation X members Ted DiBiase and Chris Masters for the Tag Titles next."
6:34 PM: The battle was a great one, with Masters finally putting Alex Shelley in the Master Lock to end it.
"Give these boys from Detroit credit," Jim Ross says after the commercial break. "They gave it their all. As a result, Raw General Manager Chris Jericho has just told me he has given them another opportunity at Summerslam. This time, it's in a steel cage."
Match rating: *****
6:36 PM: "Awesome!" the music blares. The Miz comes out with his I'm Awesome shirt and proceeds to talk smack to the great one.
"Rock, The Miz says you should take your tooth fairy costume, shine it up real nice, keep shining, then the Miz wants you to turn it sideways and stick it up yo--" Miz is cut off by the Usos, who attack him in the ring.
6:39 PM: Josh Matthews encounters the Rock. "Rock, what do you think about what the Miz said about you?" Rock: "Who in the blue hell is the Miz? The Rock says this Miz finds ways to kiss Vince's ass every day."
Josh responds: "You didn't ans--" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" says the Rock. "Who in the blue hell are you? The Rock says you and the Miz should know your role and shut your mouth!" The crowd yells along with the great one while delivering his signature message.
Interview rating: *****1/2
6:42 PM: "Oh here he comes!" Exclaims JR. "Jack Swagger is in the ring!" Fellow Oklahomans stick with each other. His opponent is John Morrison.
Although there is a SLIGHT difference in talent, JoMo and Swagger put on a Kurt-HBK WM 21-like match. JoMo taps to the ankle lock.
Match rating: *****
7:00 PM: Evan Bourne and Daniel Bryan have feuded viciously over the Internet Title, created whenever Michael Cole created it for the Miz, infuriating the IWC.
With both Bryan and Bourne beloved by the IWC, the match is more than anticipated. Bourne finally wins via the SSP.
Match rating: *****
7:18 PM: A little Diva action here. This time, it's for the Women's championship. It's a battle between Melina and Natalya. It is a quality botch-free 10-minute match with the sharpshooter giving the Canadian the win.
Match rating (for Divas) *****
7:27 PM: "Why do all of you drink? Why do all of you smoke? It's because of this man, Stone Cold Steve Austin." Punk says disparaging the fans. The Straight Edge Society is long gone but he is now the top heel of SD!
Videos of Austin's best Raw moments were shown, all of which involving the booze. "And one thi--" The glass breaks! "It's Stone Cold! Stone Cold!" Exclaims JR. But like the 900th episode, it was a major hoax! Punk's always good on the mic. This is no exception.
Promo rating: *****
After the commercial break, we see Dashing Cody Rhodes take on Punk. Since both are great in the ring, we see a show. In the end, Punk ruins Rhodes' face by hitting the GTS after reversing the Cross Rhodes.
Match rating: *****
7:45 PM: JR caps the night so far. "We have had several five-star matches tonight. And it's not even the main event tonight." RAW GM Chris Jericho (who no longer wanted to wrestle) addresses the crowd: "You gelatinous, parasitic hypocrites keep cheering for the Rock."
Y2J says to the displeasure of the jam-packed arena. "But he is a parasite. He is no wrestler. He's just an actor. But since I am an honest man, I will give the Rock 10 minutes of whatever he wants to do. Not!" Then Y2J rambles about his feud with the Rock during the Attitude Era. Jericho is an awesome speaker.
Promo rating: *****
8:00 PM: "Sheamus and Wade Barrett for the No. 1 contender slot at Summerslam!" exclaims JR. "It should be a good one!" What a good one it was, until Cenation X spoiled it though by interfering and beating both men to a pulp.
It is announced that it will be a triple threat match at Summerslam between Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett vs. the winner of the Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio match.
Match rating: ***** minus the ending
8:15 PM: Alberto Del Rio cuts a promo on how he will finally win tonight. Orton comes out and is ready for battle. They have been bitterly feuding over the title since May.
Now the match starts. Orton dominates the action until Del Rio puts him in the armbar. Orton has no choice but to tap. Alberto Del Rio is your new Undisputed champion!
Promo and match rating: *****
8:30 PM: "Wow! Thank you so much for the WWE universe for this timeless occasion," says JR. "I appreciate you replacing that idiot, Cole," says Lawler with candor.
8:35 PM: Alberto Del Rio celebrates his victory. "Yo soy campeon." He says happily. Suddenly, he gets smacked by the MITB briefcase! Christian cashes in his MITB contract, hits the killswitch on Del Rio, and becomes the new Undisputed champion!
Match/Promo rating: ***** for the element of surprise
8:40 PM: For the next ten minutes, the WWE universe is treated to the best of Raw videos. Best of Stone Cold, Rock, DX, and even Hulk Hogan. Everyone remembers why Raw got to 1,000 episodes in the first place.
But before the films, Jim Ross announces that it is Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger in a six-pack challenge, with a special guest refereeing.
Trip down memory lane rating: *****
8:53 PM: Cenation X comes out yet again. This time, the Rock joins them at the ring. He has no intention to fight. Shad is the first member to openly recruit Rock into joining Cenation X. "We will take over WWE." Shad says with passion.
8:56 PM: "The Rock says Cena and HHH should take their Cenation X, shine it up real nice," Rock says. He then tells someone to "keep shining." "And then turn it sideways, and--. The Rock is just kidding; he'll join you guys."
8:58 PM: The crowd gasps as Cena and Rock shake hands. "The Rock Bottom on Cena! All hell breaks loose!" Jim Ross has the commentary.
Rock gets out of there quickly. He then announces his team to take on Cenation X at Summerslam. "The Rock says he has selected a team. A team that would take your team, turn it sideways, and stick it straight your candy asses at Summerslam!"
8:59 PM: Out comes the Usos. Easy pick as they're related to Rock and they were often targeted by Cenation X. Then Cena says: "Is that it? What is this, a bunch of Samoans? Oh let's get Umaga out here!" The fans boo Cena loudly. The Rock is upset.
9:00 PM: "You think you know me? On this day I see clearly everything that has come to life!"
Edge has returned from WWE after an absence since WM 28 in Toronto! Cenation X pushed him off a ladder during a ladder match against Christian. It ended his career, or so they thought. He flanks Jey Uso to the right.
9:01 PM: "Booyaka! Booyaka! 619!" Rey Mysterio has also returned from a Cenation X-forced retirement at Extreme Rules.
Drew McIntyre practically all but killed Rey in their match at Extreme Rules. He is now to the right of Edge.
9:02 PM: The crowd is going wild! Fan favorites Edge and Rey Mysterio pump them up to a fever pitch. To make them explode...
9:03 PM: "Dong! Dong! Dong!" The Undertaker has returned! At Wrestlemania 28, WHC Undertaker vs. WWE champ John Cena unified the titles. UT retired with a record of 20-0 at WM. But, Cenation and DX united and both of them "killed" the Undertaker.
The Undertaker flanks Jimmy Uso to the left. All hell breaks lose again! The six members of Team Rock now charge the ring.
The Usos gang up on Shad, Rey Mysterio hits Skip Sheffield with a 619, The Undertaker chokeslams DiBiase, Edge spears McIntyre out of the ring, and the Rock hits another Rock Bottom on Cena.
9:09 PM: But, Cenation X has regained the upper hand. HHH is about to hit the Rock with a Pedigree. Until glass shatters.
9:10 PM: "Stone Cold! Stone Cold!" exclaims Jim Ross. "Stunner on HHH, stunner on Cena!" He throws beer to his teammates. Everyone riots in happiness.
The 1,000th episode of Raw creates the best buildup to Summerslam in a long time. Even Vince McMahon is happy with tonight's show.
Thanks for reading my dream Raw.
What do you thi- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!