Rachel Uchitel: Which Mistress Will Tiger Woods Call First?

RM HeroldFeatured ColumnistAugust 25, 2010

Rachel Uchitel: Which Mistress Will Tiger Woods Call First?

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    Rachel Uchitel wants Tiger Woods back. TMZ reported that Uchitel is willing to "give up everything" to get him back and be with Woods again.

    First of all, I don't think her everything is that much, so it wouldn't be a huge sacrifice.

    But let's look at things through Woods' eyes...

    A) He was winning when he was happily married.

    B) He was winning when he was cheating.

    C) He isn't winning now that he is single.

    Maybe he needs a lady in his life to get his mojo back. Some of those women were not marriage material, I'll admit that.

    But maybe hanging out with one (or more) of them will get him back on the right track, golf-game wise.

    I don't recommend he go back to all 121, that would be too exhausting.

    But maybe talk to a few of them. Like a late night pay-per-view version of The Bachelor...

    For the record, these young ladies are all alleged mistresses, since I wasn't there.

    It's not that I'm judging, I just wasn't invited.

10. Jaimee Grubbs

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    She was the Las Vegas cocktail waitress, who was later on the reality show Tool Academy.

    Grubbs probably did the most damage to Woods because she released the voicemails and some of the text messages that led to Woods' first apology for his "transgressions."

    She might be one of the cuter ones on his list so maybe call her up just to see if she would answer. And if she agrees to meet, do it in Mexico and bring a metal detector.

    Then make her sign some of those contracts that Tom Cruise allegedly makes people sign, so she can keep her mouth shut.

    *I'm kidding, Tom.

9. Joslyn James

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    James was one of the first to lawyer up, (attorney Gloria Allred), has had many press conferences, released even more "sexting" messages and has been an overall thorn in his side.

    So why would he call her?

    Apparently they had great chemistry together. And their fantasy play was second to none, if you read those texts.

    Hopefully after those sex addiction classes, he wouldn't need her anymore.

    Hopefully.

8. Holly Sampson

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    Sampson says that she met Woods at a bachelor party, but different stories have come out that maybe he wasn't even married yet.

    Regardless, she didn't hire a lawyer and she admitted that it was a one night stand. So maybe if he needed someone to um, talk to, she might be the one with the least strings attached.

    Although since she is an Adult film star, her schedule might be tough to navigate.

7. Mindy Lawton

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    Lawton was the one that was most complimentary of Woods. So he could call her up if his self esteem needs a boost.

    Remember she's the one that told anyone that would listen that Woods "knows his way around the bedroom. On a scale of ten I would give him 12,"

    But then she also says that they would hook up anywhere from parking lots to the shower to the garage, but that Woods refused to have sex in his bedroom.

    Which is it, Mindy? Does he know his way around there or doesn't he?

6. Jamie Jungers

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    Jungers is the one that denied being a paid escort and said Woods gave her no money whatsoever, even when she could've used some help with rent.

    Even after all that, she says "there will always be a place in my heart for Tiger."

    Aww.

5. Loredana Jolie

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    Jolie was a straight business transaction.  She was the one that wanted $1 million dollars (pinkie in the air) for her story.

    She also pretty much said Woods was a freak in bed and that his "sexual fantasies were not normal."

    But I am assuming the check cleared.

    I doubt she would have any problems taking his call.

4. Cori Rist

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    Rist is the one that went on The Today Show and apologized to Tiger's then-wife, Elin.

    “I’m sorry for her pain. I hate that I’m a part of it,” the 31-year-old Rist said on TV. “I had no idea it would be like this. I can only imagine the pain she’s feeling now, and I’m sorry.”

    She was also the Hooters girl.

    I doubt she would take him back, but she seems like one of the more honest of the group.

    Then again she also said that her affair with him was like "fireworks" in the bedroom.

    So maybe he does have a shot.

3. Kalika Moquin

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    Moquin is the nightclub executive and the third one outed as a Woods mistress.

    Moquin seemed like the safest of the group. She seemed to have her own career and money and didn't want to get involved in the media frenzy.

    Remember she's the one that said "It's not appropriate for me to comment one way or the other,".

    A few more like her and well, no, he still would've gotten caught.

    Moving on...

2. Julie Postle

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    Julie Postle's ex-boyfriend gave more interviews than she did. Brian Kimbrough gave all the details he knew as soon as they asked him. Kimbrough even gave up what Tiger's nickname was on her phone.

    According to the New York Post, Woods' name would come up on his girlfriend's caller ID as "Mr. Brightside."

    Who knew Tiger was a Killers fan?

    Kimbrough also added, "She was in his closet at 5 a.m. calling me, and he was in the background telling her to get off the phone. He knew she had a boyfriend and was like, 'Don't call him.'"

    Someone sounds bitter.

    So basically she's cute, fun, and hasn't spoken much to the media.

    And it won't matter if she's single or not. She might be getting a call.

1. Rachel Uchitel

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    She knows where all the bodies are buried and she seems to think she was number one of the alleged 121.

    The true test for Tiger?

    Ask her to give back that $10 million settlement, aka hush money.

    If she does, then she truly would give up anything and you can go back to her.

    At least until you catch Nicklaus.