Prince Fielder Fights Teammate for Last Cupcake

Jon Grilz knows two things: sarcasm and crippling depression. Only one thing can bring him out of his usual downward spiral: ridiculousness in Wisconsin, for which he would like to thank Prince Fielder.

by Jon Grilz (Senior Writer)

551 reads

Humor

August 05, 2008

Clichés abound in American culture and even more so in American sporting events.

“He was all over the receiver like white on rice.”

“He was all over that point guard like stink on a monkey.”

“He went after that fumble like a fat kid going after a cupcake.”

Well, make that last one, “like Prince Fielder after a cupcake."

During last night’s Milwaukee Brewers game, Prince Fielder lashed out at teammate Manny Parra when it came to his attention that Parra had taken the last cupcake from the dugout.

The Brewer’s slugger lashed out with a two-handed sumo lunge/slap and was restrained by six other teammates. Inside sources claim that Fielder was not actually trying to slap Parra, as much as he was trying to get the piece of chocolate that was still on the corner of Parra’s mouth.

Three things are well known amongst the Brewers' players and fans: 1) Prince Fielder keeps a cupcake stash under the bench near the water fountain. 2) Don’t eat his cupcakes. 3) The Brewers have no chance at the playoffs this year (this is also probably cupcake related).

The following is a recorded transcript of the comments leading up to and during the altercation:

Fielder: Hey, who took my last cupcake?

Parra: I did.

F: You ate my last cupcake?

P: (begins walking away) Only half of it, I wasn’t very hungry so I threw most of it away.

(Fielder lunges at Parra)

P: You son of a b****! You don’t throw away a delicious Hostess Cupcake! You still have chocolate on the corner of your mouth, give it to me! (Fielder begins sobbing uncontrollably).

Hostess released a statement regarding the altercation:

While we at Hostess are grateful for Mr. Fielder’s dedication to and appreciation of our product, we cannot condone any violent actions that might result from not sharing one of our delicious products. To help avoid future situations, please accept our gift of two-dozen boxes of cupcakes.

We understand that this is Mr. Fielder’s daily amount of consumption, and we would like it to be held in escrow should any further emergencies arise regarding a lack of frosting in late innings. Thank you.

At this time, no fines have been issued to either player, but reports are that the team is looking into hiring a full-time nutritionist/dentist.

Humor

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comments (25) write a comment »

reply to comment by BigReg
24 days ago

HAHAHA, I would believe this if it was CC that stole his cupcake.

OH MY GOODNESS, can you imagine those 2 fighting. It would be like two grizzly bears going at it. AMAZING!
1. by David
  from 24 days ago
  
  Probably more like two accountants slapping each other until the missing nickel was discovered.
2. by Tyler
  from 24 days ago
  
  no it would definetly be be like two Hipo's big lots of power but very slow
3. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  It's all about moving in short burst, more than 90 feet and you might see oxygen tanks, or at least a human perpetual motion machine in the form of fielder's breasts.
4. by Nathan
  from 15 days ago
  
  the onion did an article on prince vs. CC when the brewers traded for him. i don't have the link on hand. they did it to a prince = hamburger, CC = chili dog theme like two starving men on a deserted island.
  
  funny article man
reply to comment by bob
24 days ago

I heard it was vegan carob cupcake. Not worth fighting over IMHO. Nice job!
reply to comment by Pete
24 days ago

Haha. Funny stuff. I like it!
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  Thanks.
reply to comment by Jim
24 days ago

This kind of stuff never happens in curling.

Great article, Jon!
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  Which, if I might say, is the one downside of curling as a sport
reply to comment by Daniel
24 days ago

The brew crew seems to be imploding. What a bunch of cupcakes.
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  Careful throwing around labels, we don't want to start a wave of cannibalism.
2. by L.J.
  from 14 days ago
  
  Yah...8-2 since the cupcake fight...oh, oh, oh!
reply to comment by matthew
24 days ago

dude that is extremely funny
reply to comment by RedSox
23 days ago

Really funny article.

I watched the reply reading this, and the transcript actually coincides.

Except for the crying.
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  The crying was on the inside, like a karate man.
reply to comment by Thomas
23 days ago

He was just unleasing inner feelings for the cupcake.
reply to comment by Travis
23 days ago

Too bad Fielder is still a vegetarian... I have my sources brotha's 'n sista's.
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  vegetarians can't eat cupcakes? I don't recall a beefy taste in my last hostess snack...
2. by L.J.
  from 14 days ago
  
  That wasn't fur on the cupcake...it was just old.
reply to comment by David
23 days ago

Jon keep the writting going, funny ass article you did good job.
reply to comment by Nick
23 days ago

Funny funny funny. Now just imagine if they put half as much enthusiasm into winning a pennant...it'd be a done deal.
1. by Jon
  from 23 days ago
  
  Yeah, but that wouldn't be nearly as funny... unless I could put a cupcake twist on it... hmmm....
reply to comment by chad
14 days ago

This is hysterical. I've added you as a favorite writer so I can find your stuff easier.
reply to comment by Joe
14 days ago

HAHAHAHAHA hilarious. This wouldn't happen in the Cubs dugout, unless it was Zambrano's cupcakes in the bullpen.