Roger Clemens Indictment: Clemens Case Drips In Strangeness

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Roger Clemens Indictment: Clemens Case Drips In Strangeness
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

Now on the docket - Roger the Rocket. Except the grand jury felt he should instead be wearing Roger Staubach's nickname.

The indictment cites 15 instances of Clemens obstructing Congress. "Hell, only 15?" Clemens asks, "I've struck out more batters than that in one game."

The indictment drips in strangeness.

Our theory is that Clemens, back in February of 2008, embarked on a strategy of denial, thinking that even if he is indicted of obstruction his buddy, George W., would pardon him.

Perhaps he did not realize congress moves EVEN slower than one of his games.

Strange... drippingly strange. How strange was this experience? Hark back to February 13th, 2008 in the Senate hearing room. See how this sounds:

Clemens Steroid Testimony Gets Weird


We didn’t think the Rogers Clemens-Brian McNamee he-said- he-said Oversight Committee hearings would get this strange because we weren’t prepared for that trickster, Chairman Henry Waxman, and his tricky, tricky ways. Just listen in:

Chairman Waxman: So Mr. Clemens, you say you have four sons, Koby, Kory, Kacy and Kody? Isn’t that a bit Kurious?  
   
Roger Clemens:  No, sir. When you are a hall-of-fame pitcher who worked hard for everything he got and didn’t get this body from a bottle, you get the opportunity to visit the troops in Kuwait. When you are in Kuwait the troops will tell you stay away from Brian the Liar McNamee but they also want to see how many strikeouts you can throw, in sweltering weather, I might add, and we call strikeouts “k”s. What was the question?
   
Chairman Waxman: If I hold my hand over this burning candle, would you call me a liar?
Roger Clemens: Because it’s melting wax? And you’re a …. I’m not sure I understand the question…
Chairman Waxman: I will turn the next question over to this bystander, Mr. Foxworthy.
Jeff Foxworthy: Mr. Clemens, if your family tree doesn’t fork and the dogs all live under the porch and the first name of all your children begins with a “K” is it possible… I say is it possible you are not smarter than a Fifth Grader?

Roger Clemens: Mr. Waxman, I think that is out of line… your hand is getting too close to that candle. I think it’s dripping… is that wax?


Chairman Waxman: I will now turn over the next question to Mr. Wahlberg. Mr. Mark Wahlberg.
Roger Clemens: But you’re not Marky Mark. I was told Mark Wahlberg was going to be here. I loved that movie… InVincible… You’re not…
Mark Wahlberg: No my name is Mark L. Wahlberg and you don’t mind if we hook you up to a polygraph, do you? Because I host a new game show called The Moment of Truth.


Roger Clemens: Hey, what are you doing? Stop that. I didn’t agree to…
Chairman Waxman: May I remind you? You are under oath.
Mark Wahlberg: These first questions will be softballs, Roger. When you put a high hard one in Mike Piazza’s ear, were you trying to send him a message or were you hoping to see a little brain tissue leak out his helmet?

Roger Clemens: What does this have to do with shooting vitamins up my butt?
Chairman Waxman: Just answer the question. How bad were you trying to injure Mike Piazza?
Roger Clemens: I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I just was…
Voice of Polygraph Operator: I’m sorry, that is NOT the truth
Clemens Steroid Testimony Gets Weird  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
Mark Wahlberg: When Brian McNamee injected both you and your wife with HGH, how many years younger did he say you both would look – 3 years, 5 years or 8 years?

Roger Clemens: This is ridiculous….
Voice of Polygraph Operator: That is NOT…
Roger Clemens: Okay, 5 years…
Voice of Polygraph Operator: That is NOT…
Roger Clemens: Okay, okay … 8 years. But she was getting wrinkles. And I was getting pudgy around here. And my butt was flabby. It was not a pretty sight from second base. ARod said something…

Voice of Polygraph Operator:  Boy, is that EVER the TRUTH!!
Mark L. Wahlberg: Did you play in a charity Pro-Am, hit your ball into the rough, go to the rough, not find your ball but then drop another ball from the cuff in your pants and claim you scored a par?

Roger Clemens: Yes, but you must understand. While I was in the rough, Brian McNamee was hiding behind a tree and then injected me with strawberry flavored steroids while two midgets fondled me.
 

     

    

 

 

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