Mississippi basketball coach Andy Kennedy settles his defamation suit against Cincinnati cab driver Mohamed Jittou. Coach Kennedy wanted an apology and got his apology.
As much as we're happy for all parties, we're also disappointed because this case, the one in which Coach Kennedy countersued after Jiddou claimed battery, had a special juicy addendum...the coach's wife, Kimber, stuck in her two cents claiming lack of consortium.
Below is the way I originally imagined the courtroom scene back in January 2009:
The Coach, The Wife and the Taxi Driver
The coach of the Mississippi Rebel basketball team, Andy Kennedy, was charged with assaulting a cab driver in Cincinnati, Dec. 18. Immediately afterwards, Andy Kennedy sued cab driver Mohamed Jiddou and a valet who was a witness, Michael Strother, for defamation of character.
That’s a story but not all that interesting. Here’s a topper: On December 22nd, Andy Kennedy’s wife, Kimber, sued Jittou and Strother for lack of consortium. That’s another term for lack of sex. Apparently, the stress of the assault charges was affecting bedroom activities.
One headline we’ve seen was Coaches Wife Sues, Claims Lack of Playing Time. We’re not sure this case will ever go to trial, but just for fun we’ve pre-created the courtroom scene. Kimber Kennedy is being questioned by her attorney Richard Katz:
“Please tell us your husband’s profession.”
“He is the coach for the Mississippi Rebels men’s basketball team.”
“And because of these assault charges you’re the Mrs. who misses her husband’s… no, let me rephrase. He coaches the Rebels. So because of these charges your husband’s equipment is rebelling? Is that better?”
“Well, in bed… my husband hasn’t been able to, um…”
“You do realize when you filed this suit that Andy would be subject to hecklers when he brought his team to opposing arenas? We’ve heard there were shouts of ‘Air ball. Air ball’ whenever your husband walked into the gym. At Auburn their band constantly played ‘Viva Viagra.’ Did you consider that when you filed the suit?”
“I wanted my old Andy back.”
“You know they are saying this suit makes it sound like Andy is the first Kennedy to ever refuse sex? You do claim that since Cincinnati, the sin has left the bedroom. Do you mind, so that we don’t get too graphic, if I use basketball terms as euphemisms?”
“I’m quite familiar with basketball terminology.”
“So is it fair to say your husband can’t break out of his shooting slump? Or that his equipment manager isn’t doing his job? Or say he can’t drive the lane anymore?”
“He’s not getting anywhere near the basket.”
“But he used to have a killer crossover?”
“Oh, yes. He used to leave me with my jock on the floor.”
“He used to deploy a full-court press but now he lays back?”
“Very much so.”
“Let me rephrase. In the bedroom, it used to be a slam dunk but now… not even a layup?”
“He can’t even reach the net. Let me explain to you in basketball terms. My husband was in the NBA. He is 6’7. He wore size 14 shoes. Now he only wears size 9 ½”.
“The same size shoes that were thrown at President Bush?”
“Yes, George Bush gets more shoes thrown at him than I do.”
“And, speaking of shoes, you live in Oxford, don’t you? Has Andy tried Cialis or Viagra?”
“My husband is a basketball coach. He is very much against any type of performance enhancing drugs. Our bedroom was quite enjoyable until that terrible taxi driver made up these stories about Andy.”
“So even on a free throw, he can’t sink it in?”
“He can’t even hit the rim. I wouldn’t mind a clank. A clank would be good.”
“So if Mr. Jiddou apologizes, takes back all the terrible things he said about Andy, you feel Andy could get back in the game? Is that right?”
“Yes, I think he’ll be scoring again. He could be high-point man.”