I went to my local Subway restaurant to have some lunch the other day. I really needed a break from work, so I decided to go inside instead of using the drive-up.
What I thought about was both exciting and moderately disturbing. You see, I’ve found my mind never really leaves the world of fantasy football. This was just one more event that reinforced it.
As I looked at the menu, it was hard for me not to compare the different sandwiches to current players in dynasty leagues. I perused the list of Jared’s favorites, and I just couldn’t help myself.
The parallels for these fabulous gridiron footlongs are just so obvious.
Sandwich: Cold Cut Combo
Player Represented: Reggie Bush
You look at the cold cut combo at it excites you at first. Three delicious meats, all turkey based. It’s one of the cheaper ones, so it catches your eye quickly.
Reggie Bush is much the same.
You get it excited about him as you see his highlight reels. You think of all the ways he could help your fantasy team and listen to all the pundits saying “this is the year.”
In the end, it’s all just bologna.
Players Represented: Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco
Do I really even need to go further?
Owens and Ochocinco teaming up has created one the most ridiculous circus-like atmospheres in league history. They have a chance to make history as either one of the most explosive duos we’ve seen, or as a pair who destroys a coaching staff.
Either way, it’s hard to argue they’re both not just a couple of meatballs.
Player Represented: Chris Johnson
The feast is one of the craziest sandwich creations known to man. It’s basically every meat and cheese found in the restaurant stuffed into bread with blunt force. In the end, it weighs about as much as you do.
The feast has everything, just like the player it represents.
Chris Johnson can run with power, is blessed with incredible speed, and can beat a team in just about every way imaginable. His athletic blend is like nothing we’ve ever seen before. There’s one other parallel here the Titans need to be aware of, though.
They’re both pretty expensive.
Sandwich: Veggie Delight
Player Represented: Eli Manning
I actually stray away from the veggie delight. I want something more sassy. Something more scandalous. The veggie is a little boring, but it’s certainly effective.
Eli Manning is much the same.
Manning is a valuable dynasty quarterback, but he just doesn’t come with glitz and glamour of other fantasy quarterbacks. Owners go crazy watching his demeanor on the field. He does help win games, though.
The good thing about Manning and the veggie is neither will blow up your stomach.
Sandwich: Buffalo Chicken
Player Represented: Trent Edwards
This one was easier than the meatball.
Dynasty owners cringe when they watch Trent Edwards play. His legendary knack for the check down and inability to throw the deep ball consistently for Buffalo have left many owners cutting bait with him.
This preseason has shown us a little different Edwards, but right now, his prior history of having a lack of courage labels him as an easy choice as the buffalo chicken.
Player Represented: Brandon Marshall
Can you make a meatball out of tuna? We may just find out this season.
Brandon Marshall’s move from Denver to the Dolphins has been one of the biggest stories of the offseason.
He’s apparently doing his best to stay in the news.
His recent practice antics can’t be sitting well with the biggest tuna of them all in Bill Parcells. After everything Marshall has gone through, you’d think he’d know better and take advantage of his fresh start in Miami.
Hopefully he does.
Player Represented: Ray Rice
The club has ham, turkey and roast beef. It’s a tasty blend that warms the tummy, but found in a more compact size than the enormous feast.
Ray Rice is a blend of his own as well.
He’s much like Chris Johnson in the fact he has a little of everything. He can run, catch, block, and score much like Johnson.
He’s not quite the feast, but he’s pretty close and won’t cost a customer or a fantasy owner in dynasty leagues quite as much.
Sandwich: Philly Cheesesteak
Player Represented: DeSean Jackson
With McNabb out of the picture, Jackson is arguably the most noteworthy of all the Philadelphia Eagles in fantasy football.
The cheesesteak is one of the premium subs on the menu at Subway, but it’s also only available for a limited time.
That brings us back to D-Jax.
Was his fantasy breakout performance in 2009 a limited time offering, or can he really repeat that explosive statistical season?
The parallels for the Philly Cheesesteak and the Philly player seem to be right on par.
Player Represented: LaDainian Tomlinson
I have to admit it. This one was all in the letters.
LT doesn’t remind me of bacon, lettuce, or tomatoes in any way I can think of. The letters represent his status in fantasy football and in dynasty leagues, though.
BLT = Bye LaDainian Tomlinson!
The next time you frequent your local sandwich shop, tell them DLF sent you. They won’t know what that means, but maybe it sounds cool to strangers.
Just make sure you don’t upset a spicy Italian.
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