Dear Cleveland, all of those rednecks, and whoever else may care about our forgotten team;
As you now know, Shaquille O'Neal, or the "Big Diesel", is no longer a Cavalier.
He signed with the Celtics several days ago, but I had not been aware of it because I was too busy responding to all the damn hate mail Lebron fan boys send me.
Clearly, this is isn't really much of a surprise. I mean did we seriously think he would come bacK? But I still need a reason to angry.
The good news is that we still have loyal, giant center that will never desert us in Zydrunas Ilgauskas. What? He left too?! I have to write another letter.
I simply don't deserve this level of betrayal.
I have spent so much cash and I deserve more!
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'SHAQ' WINS ONE"
Oh wait, that's impossible.
And yeah, his TV show "Shaq vs." is stupid. He never wins any of the challenges and he looks like a giant gorilla.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to be with the Cavaliers to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
This shocking act of disloyalty of the former "Shaq" makes me sad and disappointed.
The self-declared former "Shaq" will make that team a bingo club. And until he retires, we will forever hate on him.
Tomorrow is a better day.
I PROMISE you that our hatred for several athletes will not get in the way of our championship.
DELIVERING YOU a championship is something that MUST happen.