"In light of the inability of this program to win a national or ACC title in Tommy Bowden's nine-year tenure, it is in the best interest of the university and its football team to terminate Coach Bowden's contract.
"Here at Clemson, we expect to win 10 games a year and be competitive in the ACC."
Bowden has posted a 69-40 won-loss record in nine years at Clemson, but has failed to win an ACC Championship.
Phillips went on to announce Bowden's successor—former Tiger coach Danny Ford.
Ford won Clemson's only national title in 1981 with "the best team money can buy." Ford brings with him a wealth of recruiting expertise...or should I say a history of paying players to attend Clemson.
"We'll try to do what we did last time," Ford said at a press conference, "but just not get caught this time around."
Current FSU head coach Bobby Bowden was asked whether he'd extend an offer to his son.
"Well, we got a pretty full staff right now," the elder Bowden replied.
**This article is pure fiction—except for references to confirmed recruiting violations by Clemson University during the Parker, Pell, and Ford tenures—and is to be taken as as such.**