Recasting Jersey Shore with Athletes like Darrelle Revis and Ron Artest
Americans love train wrecks. They try to look away, but their eyes stay fixated on the explosions and crashes.
This is exactly why Jersey Shore is popular.
In possibly the most hilarious twist to a reality show ever, these eight castmates intentionally play into and embrace the “Guido” stereotype. They fist pump, blow out, spray tan, and do things viewers at home say they will never do.
But will they watch others do it? Oh, hell yeah.
Reality shows are normally just dreadful, but Jersey Shore has a great appeal that is nearly indescribable. The mixture of personalities and activities in both the New Jersey and Miami seasons have brought together Americans like nothing else this decade.
Take that, World Cup.
Sports may be one of the few places with the same kind of wild personalities that reside on the Shore. So if athletes were to replace the “celebs” on MTV, who would it be?
No, Artest doesn’t replace the most-jacked guy just because they have the same name.
Although, they wouldn’t have to re-film the intro.
Either way, Ronnie and Ron-Ron are quite similar characters. Ronnie is known for his cross that obliterated some bum on the streets of the shore and his rage is notorious amongst the show’s followers.
But if he ever goes to the Palace in Detroit, any fight he gets in will always be second to Artest’s explosion.
Also, can’t you imagine Ronnie in that photo with the same face and attire as the Los Angeles Lakers’ forward? It’s not out of the question that Artest’s other hand is holding a cup of Henny, which is one of Ronnie’s fave light drinks.
Sammi Sweetheart—Stacy Keibler
Sammi is the hottest of the female castmates. Keibler is one of the hottest female athletes.
That should be enough said for the male readers.
If that doesn’t work for you, let’s go to the Sweetheart factor. Looking at the former wrestling broad, doesn’t she just look nice and adorable? Isn’t that the girl you want to bring home to mom?
If I brought either of these ladies home, my parents would be so proud compared to my past flings. And I imagine that’s the same for nearly everyone else.
Lastly, both Keibler and Sammi clearly have their tough sides. I wouldn’t get in either of their ways, physically and/or emotionally. They are hard ladies underneath the cuteness.
Note: Keibler is an athlete. Look at her body and there’s no discussion.
The Situation—Darrelle Revis
Let’s start with the clothes.
Men’s Warehouse must have been completely sold out if that’s the suit Revis decided to wear in public. You’d think he’d be paid enough to get a custom suit.
The Situation wears such ridiculous outfits, it’s likely he stole the colors off of Toucan Sam. He has style like Al Davis has an eye for quarterbacks.
The similarities run deeper than superficial measures.
Both Revis and the Situation have held out to demand more money from their bosses and both think their short stints in their respective careers make them the cat’s pajamas.
Sadly, I’d spend the day with the cat sooner than either of these egomaniacs.
And I’m allergic.
There’s two obvious levels of how this replacement makes complete sense.
Hotness and badass-ness.
If you can ignore the raspy voice, JWoww has a gorgeous body and clearly knows how to keep in shape. Carano is exactly the same way and it’s no coincidence she’s topped numerous Hottest MMA fighter lists.
But we want ladies who aren’t just skin-deep. We like ‘em naughty.
And these two are the queens of that.
Carano could knock out nearly anyone not named Floyd Mayweather or Manny Pacquiao, and JWoww has got quite the fists of fury herself.
I’d like her as my backup in a fight more than any of the gorilla juiceheads on the Shore. Now that’s saying something.
Unlike The Situation, there’s no issue with Vinny’s clothing. So I apologize for comparing him to Mr. Daly, who asked a four-year-old to color in his pants.
He pays extra if the kid stays in the lines.
But think of it like this: Which of the Jersey Shore guys doesn’t seem to fit in completely? And which golfer doesn’t seem to fit in with the uptight PGA regimen?
Now it’s starting to become clear.
While Ronnie, The Situation, and Pauly D make sure to GTL (gym, tan, laundry) every single day, Vinny does everything relatively normally. And while the pros make sure to come out in shape and ready, Daly is asking his caddy for vodka from the golf bag.
And shockingly, they both are boozehounds. So that wraps it up into a nice package.
This was easily the hardest decision of the whole bunch, so instead of going for a literal replacement, I’m pulling a Picasso on this one.
Seriously, try finding a woman who is a legal midget, plays sports, and looks like she’s constantly wrapped in an orange peel. It’s nearly impossible.
So why Venus?
First off, she and Snooki are America’s sweethearts. They are both loved by the millions and are one of the most popular people in their fields. The States root for Venus in every tourney and follow Snooks' every move.
Second, both of them have ridiculous hair. Sweeney Todd definitely had his say on both of their 'dos.
But lastly, they are both the lesser sister. Venus has to deal with being seeded lower than Serena in nearly every tournament, and Snooki has to watch her house sisters Sammi and JWoww get all the good looking guys while she’s stuck with grenades.
That's not surprising though; it must be hard to find her among even average height crowds.
Pauly D—Manny Ramirez
The Los Angeles Dodgers' “outfielder,” a term used lightly nowadays, may not be able to speak English extremely well, but there’s one thing we know about him for sure.
He’s a ball of fun.
Manny and Pauly are both the kind of guy who pees in public and then brags about it to cops. They want to go out, hang with some friends, and make their friends piss themselves laughing. If someone tries to stop the fun, they don’t mind starting a brawl.
Well, maybe a couple years ago. Manny couldn’t beat Kate Moss in a fight now.
But the most notable similarity between the two is their trademark hairstyle. Pauly D loves the blow out more than a birthday boy, and spends more time in the bathroom fixing his lineup per day than he does sleeping.
Likewise, Manny has spent more time on his hair this season than he has on the field.
Last, and certainly least, we have the person that no one wants around and wish she could be shipped to a different city.
That sentence describes two people who physically couldn’t be any different.
The entire Jersey Shore house hates Angelina. They were ecstatic when she left in Season One, and the fact she returned probably made Ronnie punch a cement wall in his anger.
If she’s your favorite character, get yourself to an MRI to check for brain damage.
The same goes for Haynesworth.
He’s made no friends in his time in Washington and his prima donna attitude about not playing the 3-4 system parallels Angelina’s determination to alienate herself further and further from her castmates.
Also, Haynesworth and Angelina think they are both the Hansel to everyone else’s Zoolander. But, according to the Mikes, Shanahan and The Situation, they would both improve their game by losing 10-15 pounds.
Need we say more?
The final tally comes out something like this:
2 Football Players
1 Basketball Player
1 Baseball Player
1 Tennis Star
Rather balanced, right? Reality shows often go for lots of different areas of “expertise,” so replacing the Jersey Shore cast should follow that same formula.
Well, that’s if you consider increasing your cancer chances via tanning booth an area of “expertise.”
One last note: A lot of people may be hankering for the likes of Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Shaquille O’Neal, etc. The reason they don’t qualify here is because they have their own reality shows and double-dipping is such a faux pas.
Think about it, who’s the most notable reality star to double-dip?
That girl New York from Flavor of Love. End of story.
But these aren’t the only people who could replace the Elite Eight that make up the Jersey Shore. As long as they plan on keeping the GTL motto in tact, it can be anyone.
So who ya got?