Brett Favre's Jersey Number Is Retired From Entire Universe by God

Jim CantrellSenior Analyst IAugust 1, 2008

In what can only be described as an event of epic proportions, the creator of the universe has taken a definitive position on the Brett Favre debate by completely eliminating from existence the quarterback's jersey number, which up until six hours ago, could be reliably found between the numbers three and five. 

"It wasn't an easy decision to make," said the Almighty, through a fire that spontaneously ignited in one of the end zones of Lambeau Field. "But I didn't keep Brett Favre healthy for 16 seasons just to enjoy his boyish good looks every week. (Though I only know, I did give him those.) Honest to me, I want to see him play."

"So, until the Packers put Brett Favre back in as their starting quarterback, you can kiss your smallest composite number, 'sayonara'."

Beyond the obvious complications of organizing groups for golf outings and abbreviating the word "intravenous", the missing digit has already created quite a stir in everyday life.

"I used to zip in and out of the McDonald's drive thru in seconds," complained Bears fan Mona Washenwacks on her lunch break. "But now that the number to my favorite combo meal no longer exists, I have to name every single item I want, one at a time. That takes me, like, two minutes! Especially with the crummy speakers these places have!"

"I've always hated Brett Favre. Now I despise the man."

"How are we supposed to know when to celebrate our country's independence day?" complained an obviously overwrought landscaper at the Packers' training complex. "Oh, wait a minute. I'm Mexican. The number five's still okay, right?"

Although Brett Favre was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, long-time supporter John Madden weighed in with a few thoughts of his own.

"Hah! That's something, with the thing and the number and...ho ho! I'm telling ya! Just BOOM! And it's all gone, like a chicken leg dangling in front of Nate Newton's face. Wow!"

Meanwhile, in a related story, Aaron Rodgers has left Packers' training camp and is reported to be joining a Buddhist monastery.