Manny Ramirez Traded For Madonna Tickets and A Dozen Jelly Donuts

I like them big, I like them small, I like them white, I like them black, I like them brown, I like them sweet, I like them skinny, I like them hot, I like them chubby, I like them with coffee, and sometimes even when they stay in the kitchen and home like they're suppose to."

"You are not a man," says McCormick, concluding the punchline, "Until you have done every type (donut?) across the land."

"Ridiculous arrogant (expletive)," replies Epstein of McCormick's remarks. "They're not just for him, they're for the entire office. Plus, every time I get the variety pack, he will take one bite out of each of them, and put them back in the box. Neatly!"

"He is a donut cherry-popper," says Epstein. "And I didn't become GM of the Red Sox for sloppy seconds!" Epstein says he hates to throw them away if they are half-eaten, but David Ortiz tends to eat them no matter what.

But Epstein is wary of when to tell Ortiz, because he will eat all of them once he is notified of the donut arrival, and will evade his crime by reminiscing about his 2004 playoff performances.

Fan & Media Perspective

"Good riddance of Manny!" exclaimed one journalists not wished to be named (Dan Shaughnessy is a random name I made up when I was eight). "This was a great trade. I know our lineup won't have the same firepower it did when it won all those championships. And that is great because my writing lived off the negativity that stemmed from the constant losing Red Sox nation had to face for so many years.

Manny destroyed it by protecting Ortiz, solidifying the lineup, winning the World Series MVP, and living up to his contract. We can't have that bullnosh in our town. How am I going to sell any more books?"

Even the fans that had loathed Ramirez during his time here had conjured up the same feelings.

"Manny is not a hard worker," says Chris Thatcher, 36, of Quincy, Mass. "He doesn't know what the working man has to do to earn a living. We have to work hard and make sure our job gets done everyday. I use to work for the Big Dig project, I would know."

The Big Dig Project, considered one of the most corrupt and inefficient (and most expensive) public project in American history, was scheduled to be done in 2000. Due to delays, an incompetent and corrupt workforce, and lack of due diligence of hard work, the project will be completed in 2350; around the time it will be demolished because there will be no more oil for transportation.

"I use to call the sports station and tell them that Manny is unprofessional, and doesn't deserve to don the Boston uniform," says James Lovoy, 65, of Medford, MA.

"I called them last month during their Barry Bonds in Beantown discussion. They got mad that I changed the discussion to Manny because they were so into the idea of bringing such a great hitter into the Red Sox lineup. I told them that Manny is a poison, and he ruins the game for us old-timers.

He is unprofessional, he doesn't run the bases, he plays horrible defense, and he doesn't care about the game. I then told them they should think about Bonds being behind Manny in the event Ortiz didn't come back. That would've been nice."

"Thank god Manny is gone because then there will be no one to complain about on the team. No one to complain about. No one to complain..."

Sadly, just minutes later, James died after shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. He will be sorely missed.

And so will Manny.

As Epstein, Luccino, John Henry, and the rest gather together at the main office on Yawkey Way to munch down on the homogeneous selection of raspberry doughy goodness, they will think of the times past when they had one of the best hitters in baseball, and they will tribute all the things Ramirez had done for them.

Then they will congratulate themselves on job well done, since the trade allows their team to falter the rest of the season and most likely get destroyed in the postseason or miss it entirely.

Whether the Kool-Aid in the front office room during this event is spiked with cyanide remains to be seen.

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