Manny Ramirez Traded For Madonna Tickets and A Dozen Jelly Donuts

(Note: every time he made a statement, he threw something through a glass window. During the interview, he had made a deep question about why people bother to eat non-peanut M&M's when peanut M&M's are readily accessible. As we both collected our thoughts on the subject, Beane picked up a chair, and threw it into Justin Duchscherer's car window. "F!%K people who don't eat peanut M&M's. And F%#K J-Dog for being so goddamn good. Now I gotta bounce the mofo off my team in the offseason. What an asshole, and what a silly car alarm...)

"This is a horrible trade, in my opinion. You are losing your best hitter," remarked Beane, looking at my chair seductively since there are no more chairs around. "The guy has to hit to get a contract on the free-agent market, so it makes little sense he would dog it the rest of the season.

It would make even less sense that he tries to hinder the team's chances of winning down the road. Boras and he both know everyone is basing his future contract on his second-half produ...What! I thought it was a three-way between the Marlins, Pirates, and the Sox! Oh, Madonna tickets? Raspberry donuts?"

"What am I saying, that is a wonderful trade! Moneyball for life!" Billy Beane then walks gingerly amongst the broken glass towards me, and whispers, "Hey, you think if I gave both my testicles and added Erubiel Durazo, along with a 1986 Oldsmobile Firenza, that Epstein could give me the 'Greek God of Walks'?"

When confronting Epstein on the juicy proposition, Epstein said, "Can't do it for (Kevin Youkilis). I gotta play hardball on this one."

And the subtle dry banter continues.

"Then, it was dropping Garciaparra and picking up Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkavich," says Ken Williams, White Sox GM. "Now, he's swapping out Man-Ram for Madonna tickets and jelly donuts. We had calls about the donuts, but I wasn't convinced on taking on the tickets. Unless I knew 'Frozen' and 'Justify My Love' were going to be on the set-list for sure, I just couldn't pull the trigger."

"The reason we did the trade is so that we can get the donuts for our club," said Epstein. "But we had to take on that huge contract of the two tickets to see Madonna. Since I dislike Madonna, I am going to sell the tickets on Craigslist for three bucks. In a sense, it is kinda like I am sticking it to Madonna."

And at that moment, a crop plane flew above us and wrote the word, "zing". Interesting...

The Donut Connection

"First of all," says Jack McCormick, holding a bunch of tickets he forgot to give Manny a couple of weeks ago, "I don't like the media spin that I am some frail old man. I use to be a state trooper. Yea, Manny and I scuffled, but we're men. What am I suppose to do, go cry to the police about it? I am the police! Fox News couldn't have spun a better story."

"Secondly," seconds Jack, "I don't like the stereotype that cops just like jelly donuts. My favorite donut is the apple & spice, and my second favorite is the Boston cream pie. Epstein thought it was a great gesture, but it's just a slap in the face to cops all around, who take pride in the variety and exquisiteness of all donuts across the nation.

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