Which Athletes Are Most Like These Jersey Shore Idiots?

Juice Heads, Guidos, Grenades, and GTL.

No I'm not talking about Major League Baseball.

Tonight is the premiere of season two of Jersey Shore, the MTV "Reality" series that placed seven Italian-Americans in a summer shore house in Seaside Heights, N.J., last summer and documented the buffoonery for all of America to enjoy.

And the show was truly enjoyable. Unless you take yourself way too fucking seriously or simply have no sense of humor, the show will make you disgusted and laugh your ass off at the same time.

For season two, the producers decided to join LBJ, D-Wade, and Bosh and take their overly coiffed crew and their "talents" to South Beach. Which got me thinking: What athletes could make up their own Jersey Shore crew?

Which then got me thinking: Who the fuck thinks about shit like that? How retarded are you? The answer: Very.

Mike "The Situation" = LBJ

Just look at that smug face. The only person in the entire world with an ego bigger than The Situation's is King James himself.

I'm surprised the smug cloud from James' arrival didn't combine with The Situation's smug cloud and create a smug storm over Miami the likes of which human civilization hasn't seen since Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent shared a locker room in San Fran, the world's smuggest city.

Although his narcissism can be extremely off-putting, there's no denying The Situation is entertaining. Likewise with James.

And The Situation's penchant for pulling the most tail in the house and being the self appointed "man of the house" (King) during season one makes the two even more similar.

Coming soon: A Situation and LeBron Puppet commercial. It's going down.

Angelina = Brett Favre

This may be a ridiculous reach, but hear me out.

Angelina is the cast member that just won't go away. She left after the second episode during Season One, much to the chagrin of nobody. And here she is, back for Season Two.

This dead behind the eyes Guidette, who once proclaimed herself as the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island," should step aside and let the next overly tan loud-mouth broad get her 15 minutes.

Which brings us to Favre, who also won't go away. Ever. But when he does, I want to see him pack all his stuff in black plastic garbage bags ala Angelina. Don't ask me why. I just do.

Ronnie = Shawne Merriman

Like Merriman's famous sack dance, Ronnie showed America that he was "Lights Out" in the second-to-last episode of season one, when he blasted an inebriated heckler in the face, knocking the dude unconscious with one punch and proceeded to skip down the main strip in Seaside, exclaiming "One Shot! One F@%&ing Shot!"

He wasn't so happy five minutes later, being taken into police custody for assault.

Merriman has shown a penchant for putting opposing players lights out on the field (and allegedly one annoying petite female reality show vixen off the field).

Plus, just looking at the two of them its pretty obvious they probably both had the same hook on the DuraDecaBolin, or whatever the hell they call roids these days.

Pauly D=Birdman Anderson

Both are ridiculously tatted up. Pauly D rocks the blowout, Birdman rocks whatever he feels like for the week.

But something about both these dudes makes me feel like it'd be pretty cool to hit up the town with either of them one night.

From here this list gets really stupid. My apologies. You will lose several brain cells just from reading this article. Not as many as watching an episode of Jersey Shore, though.

Sammie Sweetheart = Prince Fielder

Sammie gives off the first impression that she is a nice, sweet girl. The kind you'd take home to mom.

Then Ronnie talks about her "Fred Flintstone toe" and all hell breaks loose. You don't wanna piss this broad off.

Like Sammie, upon first glance Prince looks like a jolly, happy-go-lucky Santa Clausish teddy bear.

Then Santa Claus strikes out with the bases loaded and destroys the water cooler with his bat in a violent rage. MERRY F'ING CHRISTMAS YOU GET NO MORE GATORADE!

Jenny JWow = Ron Ron

Both are known to scrap at the drop of a hat. Remember Artest decking that fan during the Brawl at the Palace?

Remember, JWow backhanding The Situation right in the mouth in the finale of season one? Or how about her fight at Karma with the chick that called Snooki fat? These two truly are kindred souls.

(To agent) Call Ari Gold; we need to cast these two together in an action flick ala Rodman and Van Damme in Double Team!

Artest and JWow are also known for their terrible taste in fashion. This chick is the Craig Sager of whores.

Vinny = Evan Longoria

Out of all the cast members, Vinny is The Situation's stiffest competition in the female department. And from what I've heard, Longoria doesn't do too bad for himself, either.

Both are young and seem to have good heads on their shoulders while being surrounded by complete idiots (BJ Upton).

(You can't say I didn't warn you how ridiculous this was going to get)

Last But Certainly Not Least! SNOOKI = Albert Haynesworth

Both's weight is under constant scrutiny. What's Albert gonna weigh this year? How much weight did he put on this offseason? How many cannolis did little Snookers shove into her pie whole while we were gone?

Both are also incessant whiners. Haynesworth won't stop crying about having to play in a 3-4. WHAAAAA I feel so bad for you.

You're the highest paid defensive lineman in league history. Shut your fat hole and clog up that A-gap now!!!

Snooki didn't stop whining the entire first season. WHAAAA IM SO LONELY! I WANT A JUICE HEAD! HOW COME NOBODY LIKES ME?

Maybe because you are a hideous, obnoxious, gaudy, overly tan midget-turd. Shut your fat hole and be happy with your $10,000 an episode.

And like Albert, I seriously doubt Snooki's chunky little legs could run three consecutive 100-yard sprints (even with a bathroom break).