If your near small children, please -- cover their eyes.
A report near Dallas in the summer of 2008 placed a wild beast in the vicinity. The carnage left behind was total. Complete. Eye witnesses said the creature had " beady eyes," and left it's victims lifeless, as if they had been drained of blood. There appeared to be no motives. There was no mercy.
No. I'm not referring to the 'Chupacabra', a legendary cryptid believed to inhabit parts of Mexico and the Southern United States. I'm talking about Terrell Owens.
Terrell Owens has led a career filled with controversy. To say that it's been a "bit dicey" would be to call Gandhi a "pretty cool-headed dude". No. Owens career has been a personal train-wreck. The kind of train-wreck you can't stand to watch, but must, due to the spectacular nature of it.
From Garcia, to Romo, to McNabb, T.O. has devoured nearly every signal caller he has ever caught a pass from.
Make no mistake. Terrell Owens is a magnificent receiver. One of the finest ever to wear a helmet and lace up a pair of shoulder pads in fact. Each and every team he has been on, he has made a more explosive offensive threat. His commitment to being a better wideout, is paralleled possibly by only the great Jerry Rice.
It's this succees, however, that has both fueled his tantrums as well as our curiosity.
It's ironic then, that Terrell Owens has now landed in the perfect spot. How in the world is it possible for such a malcontent, such a locker-room cancer, to have finally found a place that fits him?
He may be picked up by the Bengals of course.
Cincinnati is home to many oddities. It's former mayor, for example, is a well known shock-talk-host named Jerry Springer. The Springer Show was known for it's over-the-top behavior and wild atmosphere. I once saw a 600 pound woman wearing a thong bikini onstage. Holding a midget. Wearing a bikini.
Certainly a town like this can accept a primadona wideout with some baggage. Right? Actually, they already have.
Chupacabra. Preséntese el Ocho Cinco.
That's right. The Spanish "81" formerly known as Chad Johnson, has had quite a controversial career in his own right. It's not so much that he's been in trouble, as much as he's just been downright weird.
Did you know that Ocho Cinco recently played slots in Vegas? -- In his underwear?
From the 2005 "evaluation list" he made of cornerbacks that had the privilage of covering him, to the never ending, often bizarre, 'tweets', Mr. Cinco has gobbled up his fair share of headlines during his stay in 'The Blue Chip City'.
That's why this works.
Terrell Owens can simply be a physical specimen that catches footballs. No gimmicks. No Sharpies. Playing alongside Ocho-cinco, for the first time in his career, Owens won't be the craziest guy on his team. Relieved of the pressure (and internal need) to be the center of attention, T.O. may finally be able to cement a legacy that has eluded him due to a decade of turmoil off the gridiron.
It's quite possible that Ocho Cinco might be the best thing that ever happened to T.O.
It's quite possible, that the chilly climate in Ohio is too much for the Chupacabra.
Terrell Owens might just be -- Terrell Owens.