The NFL Speculator's Pre-Pre-Season Predicitions: One Liners Addition

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The NFL Speculator's Pre-Pre-Season Predicitions: One Liners Addition
Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

Now 'tis the season for every football-loving person to make with their pre-season NFL predictions, to be followed by their "season" predictions sometime between the latter half of the pre-season and week 1 of the regular season.

Yet, most seem to give some sort of blurb or two as to why Team A will beat out Teams B, C, and D for the division title, and why Teams X and Y will be the wildcards.

To heck with that. I can do it in one line per team, so here goes, starting with the most exciting divison in the NFL, the good ol' AFC East. One liners are so much more humorous!

(Note: C J Spiller seen above has nothing to do with these predictions, but I was not about to go through 100s of photos to get the NFL logo.)

 

AFC East

1. Patriots: And you thought I was gonna pick the Jets!


2. Dolphins: They were not an 11-5 team in 2008 and they were not a 7-9 team in 2009, so this year they balance things out with new additions Nolan, Marshall and Dansby.


3. Jets: They have the most talented team on paper maybe ever constructed, but what I want to know is, was getting Jason Taylor for the sole reason of needing to beat Miami worth giving up Jay Feeley, a reliable field goal kicker?


4. Bills: Everyone is picking this team with a great secondary to finish last or next to last in the league, but I say the Bills are just a QB and a left tackle away from being at least competitive in this division.

 

AFC North

1. Ravens: The thing is, though, that I might have to change this to a lower slot if the Baltimore Birds keep on losing top draft picks and savvy vets to injury.


2. Steelers: If you want to know why I didn't pick the Bengals here, look no farther than winning tradition, which the Steelers have and the Bengals don't.


3. Bengals: See above...sorry guys, but when was the last time the "Bungles" put together two winning seasons in a row?


4. Browns: Mangini says it all.

 

AFC South

Colts: In two words, Peyton Manning.


Titans: I'll pick Jeff Fisher's team over Gary Kubiak's team any time.


Texans: If only Schaub, Andre Johnson and Owen Daniels could play defense as well as offense.


Jaguars: Really, guys, you are in the wrong division...and Jack Del Rio needs to go!

 

AFC West:

Chargers: By default, as usual.


Chiefs: Yeah, I know, this one would be a big upset, but I'll take a Pioli-run team over an Al Davis-run team or a Josh McDoofus-run team any day!


Raiders: Jason Campbell will be a better QB, but I'll miss laughing at JaMarcus!


Broncos: Building a defense with Dolphin castoffs is...well, McDoofus to me!

 

NFC East

Cowboys: Because my NFC East first-place prediction NEVER works out! Go Giants!*


Giants: Because whenever the Giants are picked second or lower they always exceed expectations.


Eagles: Would someone please tell me why everyone loves Kevin Kolb...just what has this guy done?


Redskins: In a word, Haynesworth.

 

NFC North

Packers: In 2010, Rodgers will be better than Favre...except on Favre Watch, of course!


Vikings: God help this team if Favre retires.


Lions: The Lions will be this year's version of the 2008 Dolphins.


Bears: In a word, Cutler.

 

NFC South

Saints: It is ridiculous to pick the Falcons or anyone else over this Super Bowl winning team in anyone's pre-season predictions.


Falcons: Everyone says they are ready for prime time, but I wonder...


Panthers: Enh, but if anyone can keep his job, it's John Fox, a really outstanding coach.


Bucs: As with the Bills, the Bucs will be a lot better than most folks think they'll be.

 

NFC West

Cardinals: I'm sorry, but give me one good reason why I should jump on the 49er bandwagon when their QB is Alex Smith, and is this division even relevant?


49ers: Now, if this team had a tried and true QB, they'd be world beaters...but they don't.


Seahawks: Pete Carroll didn't exactly set the world on fire as coach the last time he was in the NFL.


Rams: Well, someone has to be the perennial doormat.



* By the way, I am not a big fan of the Giants, but I do root for them when they play the Cowboys.

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