Brian Scalabrine: The Decision

SATIRE —

BISMARCK, ND-- NBA Free Agent Brian Scalabrine hasn't yet made his decision on where to sign this off-season. He has gotten several calls from teams this summer and has sat down with at least six teams on how to improve his "image" on late-night TV and touch the floor.

Having one more ring than LeBron James, Scalabrine realizes the responsibility of not disappointing his NBA fans, which he discuss in his recent interview on an international sports channel only five people have on Dish Network with aspiring international sports TV reporter and former Celtics benchwarmer Greg Kite.

The Interview

Greg Kite: Thank you very much Brian. Some people are on pins and needles across the country, particularly those teams who are in the running for Brian Scalabrine.

Greg: Are you ready to go Brian? Where are your warm-ups?

Brian Scalabrine: I left them at home (laughs)

Greg: What's new? What's been going on with your life?

Brian: Man, this whole free agent experience, looking forward to it.

Greg: What have you thought about this process?

Brian: This process has been everything I've thought and more. And that's what I did a few years ago; I put myself in a position to have this process where I can hear teams' pitches and figure out what was the best possible chance for me to touch the floor five times a season and not get made fun on late-night TV anymore.

Greg: You weren't able to be recruited before because no one has ever wanted you on their team. Have you enjoyed this recruiting process now?

Brian: I have enjoyed it. And I want to thank all six teams that I had an opportunity to sit down with and hear what they had to say. And my team, they hear what we had to say also.

It's been an unbelievable experience, a real humbling experience to be even to be in this position. I have wanted for so long a chance to touch the court.

Greg: What did you expect? Because we've seen the jokes about you. We've seen teams have comedians make fun of you during halftime. We've seen cartoons made about you and for you for part of their routine. President Obama, for crying out loud, at least seven times has commented that he'd like to see you retire mercifully. What did you expect from this process?

Brian: Well, certain things like that is one thing you can't control. But I expected to be able to go through this process and be able to sit down with my team and sit across from other teams and hear how they feel with me being a part of their team, I might be able to touch the court and could ultimately help others win.

And the process was everything I expected and more. And like I said before, I just thank all those teams that have come to Boston and us have those interviews and have that process. It was everything that I've ever expected and more.

Greg: How many people know your decision right now?

Brian: No one. Everyone hates a 6'10" leprechaun. And I probably couldn't get anyone to listen if I tried.

Greg: Do you have one friend or two friends?

Brian: Let’s say one.

Greg: When did you decide?

Brian: I think I decided this morning. I mean, I decided this morning I went day to day. I wake up one morning; one team revokes their offer. I wake up another morning; another team revokes their offer. And it's a process that I felt it was I might feel like this is the best opportunity for me or not the best opportunity for me.

But this morning I woke up, had a great conversation with my psychiatrist. Once I had that conversation with her, I think I was set.

Greg: So the last time you had a choice was yesterday?

Brian: The last time I had a choice was probably in my dreams. And when I woke up this morning I knew I had nowhere else to turn.

Greg: So does the team that you're going to, that you'll announce in a few minutes, do they know your decision?

Brian: They're the only team who has offered me a contract.

Greg: They just offered you a contract?

Brian: No, I blackmailed them sadly.

Greg: So the other five, on pins and needles, they don't know; they'll be listening to this?

Brian: No, they're probably happy I won't touch their bench this upcoming season.

Greg: Who in this process, Brian, have you taken advice from and who has had the biggest influence?

Brian: I’ve taken a lot of advice from my fellow benchwarmers and parents. My agent, Mickey Mouse, has been great. A lot of benchwarmers that I look towards in a time of need or for advice, and ultimately they looked at me and said you ultimately have to live with your decision that you're going to make, and you have to do what's best for you, for your family and for you to ultimately touch the court and achieve something you never could on the Celtics.

Greg: What was the major factor, the major reason in your decision?

Brian: I had nowhere else to turn.

Greg: How deep of an evaluation do you have to do to go through that to figure out tomorrow, next year and beyond, that equation, that you get to touch the court?

Brian: One thing that you can't control is you never know. You never know. You want to put yourself in the position where you feel that it's the best opportunity. But saying I can touch the court next year or saying I can touch the court the year after, those are things that you don't know until you go out there and actually touch the court.

But you have to put yourself in the right position to be able to compete and also accomplish the goals that you set out for.

Greg: Do you have any doubts about your decision?

Brian: I wish I had a decision.

Greg: Would you like to sleep on it a little longer, or are you ready to make this decision?

Brian: And have to wait till December to sign a 10-day contract? No I'm good.

Greg: Are you still a nail biter?

Brian: Yeah, It's hard watching others have so much stress and pressure. I just wish I could've felt that in the last two NBA Finals we were in.

Greg: You’ve had about 5 people biting their nails. So I guess it's time for them to stop chewing. The answer to the question some people want to know: Brian, what's your decision?

Brian: In this fall, this is very easy, in this fall I'm going to take my talents to the state of 10,000 lakes and play for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Greg: The Minnesota Timberwolves? That was the conclusion you woke up with this morning?

Brian: That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

Greg: Why?

Brian: I had nowhere else to turn.

Greg: How do you explain this to the people in Boston?

Brian: I don't have to, they have Luke Harangody now.

Greg: What was the major reason for leaving the Celtics?

Brian: They told me I could never set foot in the Garden again.

Greg: What do you think will be the fans' reaction back there, and will you still live in Boston?

Brian: Like I said before, they don't care, and I'm staying in Boston at my condo.

Greg: Ever want to go through this again?

Brian: No, I like being employed.

Greg: Thanks for your time Brian.

Brian: Anytime Greg, you inspired me to ride the bench everywhere I go.

Greg: That means a lot to me.

Brian: I know.

The Aftermath

BOSTON, MA--Fans of the Celtics were seen dancing in the streets after Scalabrine made his decision. Fans of the Wolves were seen crying in the streets. Local Minnesota man John Ray exclaimed, "Why us? (Cries) We already have Darko Milicic! (Sobbing). I'm gonna start getting ready for Vikings season!"

A truly surreal scene occurred indeed, almost the complete opposite of LeBron and the people of Cleveland. A surreal scene indeed.