Trade Chris Wheeler for Voodoo Doctor
ST. LOUIS—Here in the final week before the trading deadline, Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. just pulled off the boldest, wildest move in Major League Baseball history—trading long-time Phils television announcer Chris Wheeler for Ghana Ewes soccer head voodoo doctor Afadjato Kwahu.
In a pre-game radio news conference at noon yesterday, Amaro admitted that these are desperate times, indeed, since the Phillies are sinking so fast in the NL East. The GM insisted that “The team had to think outside the box, to boldly go where no man has gone before. We’ll miss Wheels, sure, but you’ve got to give top talent to get top talent. We had to shake things up in a big way, to snap out of this funk.”
Mired in a devastating two-month slump, the Phillies expect Kwahu to play a major role, both on the bench and in the locker room. “Animal sacrifices, hexing opponents, dancing on hot coals, whatever it takes,” Amaro stressed. “We’ll put him in the dugout for every game with full tribal headdress, shrunken head necklace, giraffe-bone staff, all the tools of his trade. We need him to get into the heads of opposing players. Really throw them off their game.”
Late-Night Gateway Arch Exorcism
Kwahu first met the Phillies team late Wednesday night in St. Louis, where, after yet another blowout loss, the doctor immediately conducted a demon exorcism from atop the famous Gateway Arch. After rappelling to the top with a goat strapped to his back, Kwahu burned incense with locks of each player’s hair, chanted and wailed to the baseball gods, then launched said goat into the Mississippi with a vicious shot off Ryan Howard’s bat.
Voodoo Batboy Lauded in Phils Win
When the Phillies later bounced back to win yesterday afternoon’s game against the Cardinals, Amaro was ecstatic. “I made the last second call to use Kwahu as team batboy today. We had to get him front and center right away. What a powerful presence, having Kwahu on the field. Did you see the fear in Pujols’ eyes? No question Kwahu was a big part of this win. Look out, Atlanta Braves, and everybody else. The Philadelphia Phillies have got world-class mojo going for us now.”
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