NFL Preseason Rankings: Sexy Cheerleader Edition

It's almost that time again, folks. All the pre-season rankings have come out, so I have to ask you...

Are you ready for some football?

After scanning through all of the major polls, (ESPN, SI.com, etc.), here are my B/R rankings for all 32 teams. But what fun is that?

Yes, you'll get your countdown from 32-1 but you'll also get a much better looking representative for each team than you'll get from anyone else.

Here's how we 'll break it down:

Best case scenario and worst case. Now let's go!

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Josh Freeman is okay, I guess. If he gets hot, maybe you play him in a good matchup if your quarterback is on bye.

But that's if you're playing fantasy football. In real life, you don't feel good if he's starting for you. He has upside, but he's not ready yet.

Cadillac Williams seems like he's two good hits from being out of the league.

On defense, they have rookie Gerald McCoy and Stylez G. White.

Not sure what Stylez is gonna bring to the table, but you gotta love the name.

They have a fairly tough schedule including the Super Bowl Champs, twice.

Best Case: 3-13. Worst Case 1-15.

31. St. Louis Rams

Most prognosticators have the Rams as being the worst team in the league this upcoming year. I disagree.

Rams have several winnable games on their schedule (Seattle twice, Oakland, Detroit, Tampa and Kansas City).

Steven Jackson says he's the best back in the league, so maybe he'll want to prove it.

Additionally, Sam Bradford can be as good for them as Matt Ryan was for Atlanta a couple of years ago.

Best Case: 4-12. Worst Case: 2-14

30. Buffalo Bills

The Bills have upside, much more than some of the other bottom seven teams, but they might have the most brutal schedule of all.

They have potentially two really good backs in Fred Jackson and rookie CJ Spiller. And don't forget Marshawn Lynch.

They have a handful of studs on defense as well. But...

They play the Jets, Pats, and Dolphins twice each and will probably only be favored in two games the whole year (Detroit and Cleveland).

Best Case: 5-11. Worst Case: 2-14.

29. Detroit Lions

Ndamukong Suh is a beast and should have been the Heisman Trophy winner. Now, will he have the same effect in the pros? We'll know soon.

On offense, they have Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith, and Mathew Stafford. All of them are capable of being game changers.

I can see the Lions scaring a few folks this season.

But they still are a couple years away from being able to close the deal and make a playoff chase.

Here's a fact you might not know. The Detroit Lions still do not have cheerleaders.

How crazy is that?

Anyway, this is Kelly Hall, a cheerleader at Georgia and Lions QB Matthew Stafford's girlfriend.

So I'm figuring she cheers for the Lions, right?

People of Detroit, do something about this! No cheerleaders, still?

Best case: 5-11. Worst case: 3-13.

28. Kansas City Chiefs

They have a championship level front office and coaching staff, that's for sure. Even if most of them haven't won anything recently.

Eric Berry is a stud and will probably start immediately.

We get to finally find out how good Matt Cassel really is.

The reason to like them more than say, St. Louis, is their schedule. If they can get some momentum, they can steal some games.

Best case; 5-11. Worst Case: 4-12

27. Cleveland Browns

Here's another team without cheerleaders. Hmm, can we draw any conclusions so far?

Detroit and Cleveland: no cheerleaders, no Super Bowl wins.

I'll keep you posted on my hypothesis.

Anyway, they have several winnable games. Jake Delhomme will want to prove that he has one last good season in him. And he's also trying to hold off Colt McCoy.

Jerome Harrison, Ben Watson, Mohammed Massaquoi, and Josh Cribbs are all in place to help ol' Jake.

Get some cheerleaders, Browns.

Best case: 5-11. Worst case: 4-12.

26. Seattle Seahawks

I was in New England when they used to call Carroll "Pom Pom" Pete.

The word is after a couple of years he grates on pro ball players with all that rah-rah stuff.

But it might work with a young team in the first few years. So we'll see.

Still don't get the Charlie Whitehurst thing, but whatever.

They made some great offseason moves, including an impressive draft, and Pete knew to get the hell out of dodge before the NCAA could get a hold of him, so maybe the guy has it all figured out.

Best case: 7-9. Worst case: 5-11.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars

They need more hyphenated stars.

Jones-Drew will run wild as usual. Mike Sims-Walker will be a stud again as well.

No really big names on defense but a somewhat manageable schedule could help them break even.

Not sure what the future holds, but it seems like they might be able to get to .500 this year.

Best case: 8-8. Worst case: 6-10.

24. Oakland Raiders

This could be the year that Oakland puts it all together. The Raiders have a lot of talent on both sides of the ball.

They have the most running back depth in the league and some of the best defensive players in the division.

Maybe things will fall into place.

There are so many maybes for this team that you can't really make an honest assessment of them.

Maybe Jason Campbell and his exciting receiving corps can connect in their first year together. Maybe McFadden has a break out year.

Maybe they can put it all together, finally.

Or maybe not.

Best case: 9-7. Worst Case: 6-10.

23. Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson says he is going to rush for 2,000 yards again. Which will probably mean this will probably be his last season in the league.

Vince Young feels like he has turned the corner and his spring strip club fracas didn't mean anything.

They had a nice run in the middle of last season, so maybe they can start the run early.

Best case: 9-7. Worst case: 7-9.

22. Chicago Bears

The Chicago Bears used to have a cheerleading squad named, appropriately enough, "The Honey Bears."

But they got rid of them. After the '85 season. The Super Bowl winning '85 season.

Have you ever heard of the Honey Bear Curse?

Well ever since they got rid of the Honey Bears, the Chicago Bears have won as many titles as the other two teams without cheerleaders; none.

Bears fans claim the team lingers under the Honey Bear Curse to this day.

Maybe Mike Martz, Cutler, Forte and Hester can break the curse. Cutler better do something, because they have no draft picks because of him.

Best case: 9-7. Worst case: 7-9.

21. Denver Broncos

Is it Kyle Orton's team or Brady Quinn's? Does it even matter?

Does Josh McDaniel know what he is doing after running out every main cog from when Shanahan ran things? Not sure of that , either.

If this team wins, it will be a total team effort, because all of the big names are gone.

Best case: 9-7. Worst case: 7-9

20. Washington Redskins

The Redskins have a bunch of older guys who signed up, looking for a chance to get it together for one last run.

Donovan McNabb, Larry Johnson, Joey Galloway...like a poor man's 2008 Boston Celtics.

Mike Shanahan has two rings but he also has a lot of work to do to make this team a challenger.

Best case: 9-7. Worst case: 7-9.

19. Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez, Roddy White and Michael Turner are all looking for bounce-back years.

But the defense has a lot of questions. So much so, that Weatherspoon, their first round pick, might be forced to start at linebacker before the season ends.

The goal is the playoffs, which they might make with last year's record.

Best case: 10-6. Worst case: 8-8.

18. Houston Texans

Andre Johnson is a linebacker playing wide receiver. Matt Schaub is coming into his own.

Steve Slaton is looking to bounce back, if he doesn't lose his spot to Arian Foster.

The defense is solid, but something keeps getting in their way. Something keeps stopping them from getting over the hump.

Best case: 10-6. Worst case: 8-8 (again!)

17. Carolina Panthers

How weird would it be if Jimmy Clausen beat out Matt Moore for the starting spot? Some experts think it's possible.

The real question is will he have anyone to throw to?

Jarrett and Smith are the supposed starters, but one keeps getting hurt and the other has been on a career-long no-show.

They have two horses in the backfield and a reliable defense, so if the aerial game gets going, they could make it into the postseason.

Best case: 10-6. Worst case: 8-8

16. New York Giants

Eli Manning is going to have to be as good as he was their Super Bowl-winning year to snap this team out of what happened last year.

This could be the year that they either win the division and prove that last year was a fluke, or they might continue their downhill slide.

One thing for sure, a lot of new names have replaced the more familiar ones.

By the way, here's a blow to my cheerleading theory. None for the Giants. Darn it.

Best case: 10-6. Worst case: 8-8

15. San Francisco 49ers

This is the team most people are picking to make a run at the playoffs and maybe to steal their division.

Their young guys are growing up and their stars are becoming superstars.

Expect big years from Gore, Crabtree and Davis on offense and Willis and Spikes on defense.

Niners should definitely be in the running for the playoffs. Anything else will be a huge letdown.

Best case: 10-6. Worst case: 8-8.

14. Arizona Cardinals

Matt Leinart has never been under more pressure than he is this year.

Two bad games in a row and he might never get another chance. Derek Anderson is used to coming from nowhere to snatch starting jobs.

But if Leinart can put together a decent season, he has the weapons to take this team all the way to a division title and beyond.

Even with Boldin leaving for Baltimore, they are stacked at all the skill positions.

The division is there for the taking, if they just step up and claim it.

Best case: 11-5. Worst case: 9-7.

13. Philadelphia Eagles

Maybe the Eagles know something that no one else does. Maybe it was McNabb holding them back all those years.

Maybe Kevin Kolb and LeSean McCoy are an upgrade from Donovan and Brian Westbrook.

Everything else seems to be in place, so this could be the ultimate test to Bill Simmons' Ewing Theory.

Best case: 11-5. Worst case: 9-7.

12. Pittsburgh Steelers

Okay, so this throws my cheerleaders theory completely out of whack, since the Steelers haven't officially had them since the early 70's.

But, riddle me this, would not having Big Ben for six weeks be easier to take if they had some young ladies patrolling the sidelines this season?

I think the Steelers are going to make a huge comeback from last season. And Ben is going to come back better than ever after his suspension.

Byron Leftwich will hold down the fort just fine.

Best case: 11-5. Worst case: 9-7.

11. Cincinnati Bengals

This is probably the make it or break it all up year for Cincinnati. No more excuses for Palmer, Ochocinco or Coach Lewis.

They have a team that should win right now, and go even further in the playoffs than last year.

Their three new receivers should make life even easier for Carson. And the defense has shown some improvements over the last couple of seasons.

Now if they can just stay out of trouble off the field...

Best case 11-5. Worst case: 9-7.

10. Miami Dolphins

Which Dolphins teams are we going to see this year? The 11-5 team from two years ago or the 7-9 team from last year?

Brandon Marshall was a big get for them. And Ronnie Brown should be back to help Ricky Williams in the backfield.

The defense is stout, but the team owner declared this year is Super Bowl or bust and Henne as the future greatest quarterback in the history of the team.

Let's see if the team can cash the checks the owner is writing.

Best case: 11-5. Worst case: 9-7.

9. New England Patriots

Will Tom Brady sign for the rest of his career or test free agency?

Can Belichick put together another championship team or is he going to miss the trio over there in Kansas City (Pioli, Crennel and Weis)?

Now that the team has gotten younger at certain positions, are they going to lack the necessary experience needed to make a run?

Is this the year Moss finally acts up and Welker succumbs to all those hits?

Nah...

Best case: 12-4. Worst case: 10-6.

8. San Diego Chargers

Phillip Rivers is turning into a younger version of Brett Favre and has the stats to prove it.

Can the team make it over the hump after getting rid of their top two running backs?

Remains to be seen, but they sure could use Vincent Jackson back.

A lot is going to fall on Rivers' shoulders and his new running back Ryan Mathews.

Best case: 12-4. Worst case 10-6.

7. New York Jets

They are rivaling the Yankees with their ability to sign big-name talent.

The coach is already a championship-level trash talker, so all the team has to do now is deliver on his boasts and they will be title contenders.

They have the most talent in the division, but already some of the natives are asking for pay raises and they haven't even won anything yet.

Let's see if "Sanchize" can make the leap to Broadway superstar.

Best case: 12-4. Worst case: 10-6

6. Green Bay Packers

Doesn't seem like anyone is longing for Favre anymore.

But Rodgers will most likely have to beat his former teammate (possibly twice) to get to that next level.

Green Bay has everything they need to make a Super Bowl run, and this should be the year they break through to the upper echelon of the league.

Best case: 13-3. Worst case: 11-5.

By the way, according to Wikipedia, the Packers got rid of their cheerleading squad because of fan indifference.

5. Minnesota Vikings

What can you say about the Vikes? Anything you say begins and ends with if Favre comes back.

Toby Gerhart should be great relief for AP. Rice should have another big year. The defense is one of the best in the league. But if they want to go all the way, it won't be with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback.

Favre coming back affects almost every team in the NFC. So let's keep the light on for him.

Best case: 13-3. Worst case: 11-5.

*(Worst case without BF: 9-7)

4. Indianapolis Colts

Let's all agree after watching Peyton at the ESPYs that he needs a sitcom when he retires.

The guy is really funny. Now will he ever get a second ring? That I don't know.

His young receivers are great and now have a year under their belt. The defense actually comes after you now and if Bob Sanders can stay healthy...

Who are we fooling? The Colts are always going to be in it until the very end as long as Manning stays healthy.

Best case: 13-3. Worst case: 11-5.

3. New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees is going to be great as usual. But everything fell into place for them last year. Will it happen again?

And what about their backfield? Is it good enough to repeat? When the receivers are all double-teamed, are Pierre and Bush enough to get the job done?

I have doubts.

Best case: 13-3. worst case: 11-5.

2. Baltimore Ravens

We know what the defense can and will do. We know what the running game can and will do.

But now they have Anquan Boldin and Donte Stallworth to bolster Derrick Mason and Todd Heap.

And if Heap gets hurt, Ed Dickson is more than capable of covering for him.

This could be the year that Flacco joins the elite and takes the Ravens with him.

By the way, Stacy Kiebler, former Ravens cheerleader.

Best case: 14-2. Worst case: 11-5.

1. Dallas Cowboys

If Romo, Austin and the crew can play as good as these girls look on the sidelines, Jerry Jones is going to be asking "How about them Cowboys?" like it's the early 90's all over again.

Everything is in place for a Super Bowl run. Romo just has to keep the ship from hitting any icebergs.

Barring any major injuries, I got the Cowboys over the Ravens in the big one.

Best case: 14-2. Worst case: 12-4.