Penny To Join Heat, LeBron Encouraging Others Out of Retirement (Satire)

Sean HartnettCorrespondent IJuly 16, 2010

15 Jul 1996: Charles Barkley (left) and Reggie Miller talk during USA Olympic basketball Dream Team practice at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. The team will practice here until Wednesday and then will travel to Atlanta for the Olympic
Andy Lyons/Getty Images

According to the New York Daily News, Penny Hardaway is set to re-join to the Heat as the team attempts to fill out their roster and plan to lure former All-Star retirees back to the game. Apparently many NBA greats who missed out on getting that career-completing ring have their cell phones close by as LeBron James and Dwyane Wade plan to court legends back for one more shot at glory.

A close friend of James was quoted, "He's been busy all night ringing up some big names. I've swore not to tell anyone who's going to join LeBron but fans are really going to be excited to hear the announcements in the coming weeks."

There speculation that 47 year-old Charles Barkley has begun training with Dick Bavetta on a daily basis in an attempt to strip down to his playing weight. The two famously sprinted against one another during the 2007 NBA All-Star Saturday, and Bavetta has "Sir Charles" on a strict workout program.

The chunky former All-Star has been forced to give up his daily habit of devouring the contents of three Taco Bell® NBA Five Buck Boxes for lunch and is struggling to cope with the demands of the fruit, salad, and fish diet that has kept the 70 year-old Bavetta in phenomenal shape. The popular referee has put "The Round Mound of Rebound" through strenuous exercise reminiscent of Izzy Mandelbaum's (Lloyd Bridges) in the TV series Seinfeld.

Potentially joining Barkley is NBA on TNT co-host Reggie Miller. A un-named former teammate said that the 44 year-old former NBA All-Star is "excited be the prospect of joining James and again torturing Knicks fans now that New York finally has a decent team once again."  Miami Heat beat reporters are already betting amongst each other if Miller and James are plan to elaborately "show up" famous Knicks fan Spike Lee in the Heat's first regular season game at Madison Square Garden.

Meanwhile, league insiders "in the know" claim that Wade has flown out to Karl Malone's Kenai, Alaska summer home to convince "The Mailman" to take one last shot at getting his elusive championship ring. The 46 year-old former power forward is tempted to return, but will only do so if Wade joins Malone and former Jazz teammate John Stockton for a week of hunting and fishing in the beautiful Alaskan wilderness.  Stockton though is said to have "not the slightest interest" in returning to the NBA and is happy with retired family life.

While Stockton won't be running the point for the Heat in the upcoming season, 41 year-old Gary Payton is planning to meet with Hardaway to join in his workouts. The man nicknamed "The Glove" told reporters outside his Las Vegas home, "I've got a lot left and I'm only 41. If Penny can do it, I know I can. One title wasn't enough and I want to go out as a champion."

Wade tried to coax NBA Hall-of-Famer Scottie Pippen out of retirement but Michael Jordan's famous wing-man was content with his role as an ambassador for the Chicago Bulls. In January 2008, Pippen had announced his intention make a comeback and tried to impress NBA scouts by playing for Finnish league team, Torpan Pojat, but the 44 year-old was said to have told close friends that "his playing days are long over."

Should LeBron and Wade be successful in recruiting the said NBA greats, the Miami Heat are sure to have the most prestigious roster of any NBA squad of the modern era.  Already priced by betting giants Bodog at 7/4 as favorites to win the NBA title, the Heat's probable chances of championship glory should turn even more likely with the addition of former superstars Hardaway, Barkley, Miller, Malone, and Payton. 

A former NBA assistant of Pat Riley's was quoted saying, "I was over Pat's house for dinner the other night, and when Wade called him he literally started jumping up and down on his couch like a madman. It was almost like when Tom Cruise went on Oprah and I think his wife Chris was worried he'd ruin his Armani suit as his glass of wine was going everywhere. You should have seen her face when the red wine stained their sofa."

The preceding piece is considered "satire" and is not meant to be taken seriously by anyone.