Today's Daily Mirror has the same EXCLUSIVE everyone else has, even if theirs looks a bit neater and has a nice feeling of humid urgency: "Liverpool boss Roy Hodgson is ready to fly out to meet striker Fernando Torres today—and ask him if he wants to stay or be sold."
Chelsea, Manchester City, and Manchester United are all hanging around pretending to be inspecting their shoes or reading the newspaper or texting someone. A £50m price tag has been spread with Prittstick and hauled skywards by a fleet of helicopters and Farmer Seed's tractor attached to a flotilla of balloons.
Also in the Mirror, West Ham are in talks with Olympiakos about selling jinking scamp Alessandro Diamanti. They want to keep Scott Parker. Darren Fletcher intends to stay at Manchester United, nestled in the crook of Sir Alex Ferguson's padded nylon arm, having the back of his neck stroked by a single, cold, dry liver-spotted Glaswegian hand forever.
"You look at it as a step down if you leave. Players who left say, "think twice before you leave, because there is nowhere like Manchester United," he said, probably not thinking about Diego Forlán or Gerard Piqué.
And Blackburn are trying to sell Jason Roberts "to bring in cash for Sam Allardyce to sign a new forward," presumably to fill the gap left by the departing Jason Roberts.
In the Sun, Roberto Mancini wants Spurs and Liverpool to stop eyeing up Micah Richards. "Micah is a key part of Roberto's plans and is part of the future at City. He will be going nowhere," said a club source, without feeling the need to add the words "and eventually crashing into the corner flag".
West Ham's imminent new signing, Mexican winger Pablo Barrera, is almost out of the door already: "To perform for West Ham and then move to a bigger team in Europe are my goals. I want to show what I'm made of and then succeed in Europe." Note to Pablo Barrera: pursuant to a raft of trade, political and judicial treaties beginning in 1972, east London is technically in Europe. Flailing central defensive hulk Tal Ben Haim also wants to sign for West Ham but they can't afford his £38,000-a-week wages.
Birmingham have made a crazy £1.25m bid for Crystal Palace's England Under-19 right-back Nathaniel "Patsy" Clyne. Most of which appears to be "based on appearances and add-ons", which sounds a bit iffy to The Mill, always hostile to add-ons.
Nigerian World cup ace Victor Obinna wants to leave Internazionale and play for Stoke instead. "Stoke are a very powerful team. I am a powerful player so I would be at home there," he said, crushing an entire can of glutinous green vegetable foodstuffs with one hand and then catching its contents in his mouth without even disturbing his small seaman's pipe.
Boaz Myhill is all set to "snub" West Brom and Spurs in order to stay exactly where he is. "I'd be nothing without Hull," he said, quoting Emu.
Ryan Giggs, an expert on feeling slightly annoyed by other people playing at the World Cup, is already slightly annoyed by other people playing at the World Cup. "It's always difficult after a World Cup because the players who have been involved in the tournament have time off," Giggs spat yesterday, through a mask of furious incomprehension.
"You just hope there's no hangover from South Africa and everyone can hit the ground running," he added, prodding his bonfire of all-time World Cup memorabilia with a long-handled garden fork.
And Mike Tyson has been pictured doing a Scrappy Doo pose in a Peterborough shirt after turning up at a friendly against West Ham. He was performing at a £100-a-head, but still grammatically incorrect, "Evening With The Baddest Man On The Planet", which should of course read "the worst man on the planet".
In the Daily Mail Manchester United are still after Bayern Munich right-back Philip Lahm. Some kind of player plus cash shemozzle involving Ji-Sung Park could be in the offing.
Coventry have "slapped a £4m price tag" on street-talking, keeping it old skool goalkeeper Keiren Westwood. Celtic are interested. Steve Bruce has bought a really big Bag for Life in the Arndale Centre and is hoping he can hump Danny Welbeck, Nedum Onuoha, a size 13 pair of Heelies, an XXL nylon leisure suit and a massive bag of Barbecue Doritos all the way back on the train to Sunderland.
Just-passing-through Liverpool left-back Emiliano Insua is all set to join Fiorentina for £5m. Irish wing-jink disappointment Aiden McGeady wants to leave Celtic. Birmingham, Aston Villa and Tottenham are said to be "circling", presumably holding hands and singing the How Do You Do Can I Play With You song.
And according to Goal.com, Bayern Munich midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger, also wanted by Chelsea, has ordered Bayern to listen to any offer for him by Real Madrid.