What The World Cup Was Like For Someone Who Doesn't Watch Soccer

Karl ParkinsonContributor IIJuly 13, 2010

Middle of May: Oh hey, the World Cup starts in a month, what team should I cheer for this year? I know, I'll just watch a preview show and let them tell me what team to cheer for.

All right lets see:

Brazil? No, everybody cheers for Brazil.

Argentina? Their coach kinda seems like a dick, so no.

Germany? Maybe, although Hitler was German so...

USA? As if. I am Canadian after all.

Algeria? Who?

Ghana? Sure, they're African and have a cooler name than Cameroon or Nigeria, so why not?

Group Stage: All right, World Cup time baby, lets gooooooo Ghaaannnaaaa.

Huh? Why didn’t that goal count? There’s offside in soccer? I thought that was only hockey. And what the hell is that buzzing noise?

Ok, I got this offside nonsense figured out. Still a little fuzzy on the whole free kick thing, but I’ll figure that out.

Hahahahaha England.

Damnt FIFA, I am not going to get up at 5:30 in the morning to watch soccer. And people wonder why ratings are so low.

Seriously people, a soccer net’s literally 200 feet wide and 50 feet high. How can you miss from 10 feet away? Even I could do it. In fact, I’m going to run across the street to the field by my house and do it right now. See? It’s that easy. Screw you Cristiano Ronaldo. Screw you.

Stop rolling around on the ground. That guy did not touch you. If anything, he deliberately avoided contact.

Wait a minute, if Fabio Capello is Italian, how come he’s coaching England?

Speaking of nationalities, if the ref is from Japan and Ghana is playing Serbia, how are the players supposed to argue calls? Are FIFA refs experts in non-verbal communication?

Isn’t Lionel Messi supposed to be the greatest player ever? Why hasn’t he scored yet? And what’s this champions league that the stereotypical British play-by-play man keeps referring to when talking about him?

Oh yeah, in the midst of all my confusion Ghana advanced to the knockout round. Go Ghana Go.

Round of 16: Didn't you invent this sport England? How is it possible that you suck this much?

Hot girl's team advanced. Sweet.

Why don't soccer players ever fight each other? If this sport had more mindless violence maybe I'd pay attention to it more often.


Quarterfinals: What? Brazil lost? Brazil doesn't lose at the World Cup (apparently).

Wow, you suck Argentina.


So who’s gonna be my team now? Spain lost to Switzerland. As a Canadian I know what it’s like to get upset by the Swiss, so go Spain.

Semifinals: Haha, take it Uruguay.

Yeah Spain, finals baby.

Final: You have to win this Spain. The Netherlands are below sea level. Theoretically, the country shouldn't even exist.

Fight him Alonso, get up and fight him.

Hmmm, this game kind of sucks. I wonder what’s on the Discovery Channel...

I still don’t understand how this free kick thing works.

I just realized something, the teams enter and exit the dressing rooms in the same tunnel. What’s to stop a massive brawl from breaking out? That would be awesome. It’s probably time for a brawl. Again with the mindless violence thing.

If Superman played for the Dutch, would they win?

Man, so many of those little yellow card things this game.

So is overtime sudden death like in hockey? Cause this game seriously needs to end soon.

So if a player gets sent off with a red card then his team has to play the rest of the game shorthanded? That’s cruel. What if two players get kicked out? What if every single player except the goalie gets a red card? Does the goalie then have to play every position? That seems like it would be mildly tricky.


The losing team has to stay on the field and watch the winners get presented with the trophy? Between this and the red card thing soccer is a cruel, cruel sport.

Well that was fun. I love soccer. I’m totally gonna become a soccer fan from now on. Soccer rocks.


Two weeks later: Huh? Soccer? Why would I want to watch soccer?



Lather, rinse, repeat every four years.







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