I am not a fan of the Summer Olympics.
I grew up in Calgary and lived there when they hosted the Winter Olympics in 1988. My mom was a figure skating coach, so alpine skiing, hockey, bobsled, speed skating, ski jumping, skeleton, and cross-country skiing always meant the Olympics to me.
Add the fact that the quality of all the “summer” sports I really love to watch, like baseball, football (soccer), boxing, and tennis, pale in comparison to their professional or international counterparts and there is no real choice for me.
I prefer the Winter Olympics.
But there are two events that can make me tune in no matter what else is going on in my life.
One provides artistry and titillating physical control. The other provides frantic motion, agility, and surprising bursts of strength.
Most importantly, they both provide male fans with perfect venues for a little summer afternoon voyeurism no matter who we have for companionship.
I am, of course, talking about synchronized swimming and womens' beach volleyball.
There are numerous ways to enjoy these sports.
You can watch these sports with your wife or girlfriend, validating your “metrosexuality” (or your deep understanding of your feminine side) by discussing the “artistic impressions” of a lovely Russian water duet or the “strength and speed” of some sweaty American girls in bikinis with their legs covered in sand.
If you play your cards right this can even lead to some summer sports of your own.
Or, if you prefer, you can watch synchro and beach volleyball with your straight friends, actively appreciating the inner diameter slope of an Australian swimmer’s strong thighs or admiring the bosoms of beautiful, exotic, lean women in tight sports bra/bikini tops as they jump and jiggle for the balls.
Watching with the boys does lack the potential ancillary benefit of watching with your lady, but who doesn’t love to sit around with the boys, drink some beers, and drool over babes? Exactly.
But wait! If your wife or your straight friends aren’t available you can even enjoy these sports with your gay friends, pondering the underlying gynocentrism of dance in the pool or the violent, man-hating, beating of balls on the beach.
So if you play your cards right, a day watching synchronized swimming and womens' beach volleyball can even become an exercise in sports and philosophy.
Yes, when it comes to the Summer Olympics there is really no sports that can compare with Synchronized Swimming and Womens' Beach Volleyball.
Sure, some may suggest Womens' Gymnastics, but that’s all a little too Law and Order: Special Victims Unit for me.
I’ll take healthy, well-waxed, nose plugged swimmers, or strong, well-waxed, deeply tanned volleyballers any summer day.
On second thought, maybe I am a fan of the Summer Olympics after all.