Why I Hate Nolan Ryan's Old Stinky Balls:Top 12 Things Wrong With Sports

Every now and then in life we all need to vent a little. Therefore I am using the next few minutes to air out all that I feel is wrong with sports.

When it comes to sports today, ...

"We know things are bad. Worse than bad. they're crazy."

Now you may say just leave sports alone, well "I'm not going to leave it alone. I want you to get mad. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot."

"Don't write to your congressman. I don't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation or crime in the streets."

"All I know is that first you have got to get mad. You've got to say I'm a human being" darn it. And sports in my life " has value." "So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs."

"I want you to get up now and go to window, open it, stick your head out and yell; I'm as mad as hell and I'm not taking this anymore."

Thus I will now present you with my 12 biggest peeves when it comes to anything relating to sports.

(12) Joe Paterno

He's lovable, can be funny at times and has a great legacy; but can someone please get Joe Paterno to retire already.

For some time now it seemed as though the game had passed Joe-Pa by while he was taking time to drink a can of "Ensure", yet here he is still coaching at the tender age of 83.

That's right, Joe Paterno is now 83 years young. That's an age most people never reach and instead of retiring to some comfortable beach-side community in Florida, the man is still at the helm for the Nittany Lions.

Penn State kept him on to try and one up Bobby Bowden in the "All Time Wins" race but now it's time for him to go.

Bowden was forced into retirement and Penn State needs to follow FSU's example.

Joe has been injured on the sideline and had to come out to watch games in a wheel chair. If that isn't a sign then what is? It seems to me like he hasn't really been coaching the team for a couple years now yet they continue to keep him on.

How long will this last for? Do they want to wait til he passes away on the sideline one day during a close game vs. Ohio State? Are they going to eventually perform taxidermy on him and cart him onto the sideline that way?

Please, Joe, for your sake and everyone else's, just call it quits while you still have a few years to kick back and enjoy all the great things you did in your life/football.

(11) NFL Rookie Salaries

There's something wrong when an "offensive lineman" coming out of college, who has never played a single down in the NFL, instantly becomes the highest paid player at his position.

Jake Long has been great for the Miami Dolphins thus far. He has justified Bill Parcells' choice to take him first in the 2008 Draft but there was no guarantee of that happening.

Look at the JaMarcus Russell's of the world. Something needs to be done to reformat the way in which Top 5 NFL rookies get paid. The NBA seems to have a better system in place for their rookies to first prove themselves and then get paid the "big bucks."

The only argument for the NFL rooks is that there is such a shorter career span for football players compared to other sports that you really have to make the money while you can.

Still, there needs to be a middle ground and the NFL should try and find it.

(10) Religion In Sports

Let me preface this by saying, I am not an Athiest. With that said I want no part of religion in sports. You can believe whatever you wish.

You can pray in your locker room before stepping out onto the playing field but once you're on there please refrain from bringing God into the equation.

I don't need to hear Mike Tyson saying "All praise be to Allah" or Kurt Warner rambling for 10 minutes about how "Jesus Christ made this all possible."

I guess Jesus was a Rams fan one year and a Patriots fan the next. My point on this matter is that religion should be kept in the confines of one's home, church, heart and mind. Don't bring it into a sporting event.

I'm sure God has bigger things to worry about than you completing an 18-yard pass on 4th and 15.

(9) Phil Jackson Whining

You're name is Phil Jackson. You look like a younger version of the colonel and had a mediocre career as an NBA player. Yet by some divine force you have been blessed with winning 11 NBA Championships.

You have gotten there by coaching the very best players to play the game for two decades now, be it Jordan and Pippen or Shaq and Kobe.

On top of all this, you've made 20 times more money as a coach then you ever did as a player. For whip cream topping on your sundae you get to sleep with your bosses daughter.

Now can you please stop crying during press conferences and media sessions? Stop complaining about Steve Nash or league referees or preferential treatment for other teams players.

You're not really a "zen master" and you're definitely not a Jedi who is going to mind trick someone by constantly spewing garbage.

Just be grateful for all that you have gotten and go repair your arthritic knees, hips, back, or whatever ails you now.

(8) Waiting Four Years For The World Cup

Soccer is starting to catch on in America. T.V ratings were drastically better each of the last 2 cups than any before it. Only problem now is that it will be another 4 years before this event happens again.

Can FIFA find a way to hold World Cups at least bi-annually? You shouldn't have to spend three years to weed out that the USA and Mexico are going to qualify ahead of Cuba, Barbados and Canada.

Just spend one year doing your necessary group/regional qualifications and then host the World's best sporting event every two years.

There are enough suitable venues in various countries that can easily host a cup in a moment's notice.

This would please both fans and help you capture the World's attention in a much less sporadic manner. Heck, I'd even settle for once every three years.

(7) American Soccer Broadcasts

I had a really nice Spanish eye candy picture for this one but you can just go see them on Univision's website. My beef is with the manner in which soccer is presented to American audiences.

It's boring, it's stale and it lacks pizazz. Anyone fortunate enough to be bi-lingual (spanish speaking) knows what I am referring to. I assure you that soccer would catch on in this country like wildfire if games were called the same way they do on Univision.

To hear those announcers is fantastic. They paint a more vivid picture and capture so much more of the games details. Not to mention they are 10 times more emotional and funnier.

For example, during the USA vs. England match, had you been watching the Spanish broadcast not only would you have heard a better match being called, you would have also been informed that Glen Johnson of England was once arrested for trying to steal an entire toilet from a department store.

Not just are the announcers better, their pre game shows are 20 times better. Rather than Jeremy Schaap's mug on the tube, they have a bevy of scantly clad women jumping around and a band playing music for them to dance to.

It's a mini mardi-gras before the game and so much more enjoyable. Not to mention you get the classic/orgasmic sounding Gooooooooooooooooooool calls after a team scores.

(6) Present Day Heavy-Weight Boxing Scene

Do you know who this guy is? Anybody.....? O.K well he's a current heavyweight boxing champ. Only no one knows of it. The former top division of boxing has fallen on hard times.

This was once the most important division in the sport but now it barely registers any kind of buzz.

What happened to the days of Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano. Muhammed Ali etc etc. Heavyweight boxing today is pure garbage. It's two guys mostly holding each other for what amounts to 36 minutes of slow dancing.

The division is in desperate need of an exciting fighter to step up and bring it back from the dismal abyss it has sunk into.

Luckily fighters such as Manny Pacquiao have managed to keep the sport somewhat relevant while facing the onslaught of MMA events that are targeting and taking away younger viewers/fans from boxing.

By the way the guy pictured is David Haye. He is a the current WBA champion. Who'd have known?

(5) The BCS/ No NCAA Football Playoffs

What on this green Earth will it take for College Football to finally add a playoff system?

The fans want it. Football programs want it. Broadcasting channels want it.

Therefore, why do we still have this arbitrary system that always seems to get people all upset because they feel their school or conference is getting the short end of the stick?

It is definitely time for the NCAA to adopt a playoff system using the top 4-8 teams in the nation in order to battle it out. Don't give me the "they'll miss an extra week of classes" junk. Everyone knows that these players are usually little more than a revenue stream for universities.

Just cut the schedules back one regular season game and take away one of the three weeks we usually have to wait for them to play in a bowl game and voila you have higher ratings, games with more implications on the line and happier fans.

(4) Jets and Mets Fans

Is there anything more annoying than hearing a Jets or Mets fan talk? I know it's hard to be the red-headed step child in your family.

I understand how much it must stink to be in the shadow of winners such as the Yankees and Giants.

But please do everyone a favor and drink some of that Kool-Aid they were giving out in Jonestown.

Jets and Mets fans are both in denial and beyond obnoxious. They beat their chests like 800 lb gorillas every off season and heaven forbid their team should start off with a winning record early in the season.

Truth is the Jets haven't been relevant since the Lyndon B. Johnson administration. While the Mets are perpetual chokers. So just sit down and be quiet until one of your teams wins an actual title.

I think 1986 was the last time it happened so just pipe down 'til it happens again.

(3) ESPN Programming

As if it wasn't bad enough that Sports-Center has become a watered down version of its former self; now the "world-wide leader in sports" has just turned into annoying programming.

NASCAR, Golf, Poker and The Spelling Bee are things I personally don't think belong on ESPN. I'd rather see water polo, beach volley ball or rugby than any of those listed before. At least the latter are all real sports.

Golf can easily be considered more of a leisure activity than a sport.

NASCAR shouldn't have a bigger following than say Horse Racing. While the Spelling Bee and Poker shows are more suited for the back page of a newspapers sports section.

Please ESPN do some brain storming and fix yourselves. You have all the pull in the world when it comes to sports so use it properly.

(2) Anti Replay Stance By FIFA and MLB

FIFA is absolutely insane if it thinks that adding replays on goals is bad for the game. The purists will argue that it slows the game down. Well what the heck happens every time one of those drama queens takes a dive?

The other team kicks the ball out of bounds, medical personnel run onto the field. Meanwhile you're watching this player screaming and grabbing himself as if he's in agonizing pain.

Then miraculously a magic sponge touches his "boo-boo" and he's ready to keep playing.

Cut the crap, FIFA. You need to add replays.

If you want, limit it to 2 challenges per game by the coach/manager. The USA has been robbed on 3 goal line/offside situations in 2 of the last 3 cups.

We're not the only team to get robbed either. Look at Ireland getting hosed only to have a French team get into the Cup and just lay down.

Hmmm, when have you ever known a French squad to just lay down? In any case the sport of soccer would benefit greatly by adding the use of modern technology to the game.

Especially seeing how much is at stakes now in terms of finances for teams at the World Cup.

Also, this applies to you too baseball. Jim Joyce's call should have easily been reversed if a baseball manager had two instant replay appeals per game.

(1) Nolan Ryans Balls Rubbing On My Fiancee's Panties

OK so this last one is a personal problem between Nolan Ryan, My Fiancee (Krystle) and I. I don't know how it came to be that your old balls made it into her under garment drawer but I want them out.

Turns out my lady has 2 autographed balls by Mr. No Hitter himself tucked away between her folded up panties. This is a problem in my mind.

Nothing should be nestled in there other than an autographed picture of me. For starters, he's an old fart now. Meanwhile I am still relatively young and full of vigor.

Be warned Nolan I am no Robin Ventura and I have no qualms with opening up a can on your geriatric a**.

So if anyone has an interest in buying two autographed Nolan Ryan baseballs let me know, as they are now officially on the market. That's right love-bug, it's either me or Nolan.

I'll take care of this last one on my own but maybe the rest of you can voice your displeasure on the other things mentioned on this list. Perhaps we can correct at least a couple of those problems.

Well all except Jet/Met fans. That group is like cockroaches. No matter how hard you try you'll never get rid of them all.