99 Percent of the People You Will Meet at an NHL Game

No matter how little or how frequently you go to an NHL game, there is a strange variety of people you will come across.

Regardless of how weird they may seem, they are all fans of the team or the game in general.

But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to poke fun at them right now.

Today, I will introduce you to 99 percent of the people you will meet at a hockey game.

Maybe you know some of them already. Or maybe you've never encountered them before. Either way, they are still worth knowing about.

Make sure you use the comments to let me know if there are any kinds of people I missed.

The Puckbunny

Ah, yes, The Puckbunny. Other female fans hate her, while male fans may not mind taking a peek.

The Puckbunny usually likes to attend hockey games in a formfitting outfit or one of those awful pink jerseys. To her, looking like she is ready for Fashion Week is more important than showing her team spirit at a game.

The Puckbunny also comes in another variety. This form of Puckbunny makes up stories about how she is such close friends with the players, when in reality, she’s met them for about five minutes at the most recent team meet and greet.

She’s also been known to invade players’ personal space when they are in public and away from team obligations, but she thinks it’s OK because the players are just so excited to see her.

Of course, the players really can’t stand her and think they should file a restraining order against her.

But don’t try to convince her of that. She’ll just think you’re the problem and find herself totally normal.

The Jersey Foul Wearer

If you have ever read Puck Daddy’s blog on Yahoo Sports, you know what a jersey foul is. Well-meaning fans buy themselves a jersey, but try to put a different spin on it by customizing it with anything but a player’s name.

These jersey fouls often involve the mockery of a rival (a Caps' fan purchasing a CROSBY SUCKS jersey with the Caps' logo), the Franken-jersey (sewing two halves of one jersey together), and the just plain inappropriate (like the girl at a Florida Panthers game who put the, uh, name “G-Spot” on the back of her jersey).

Fake jerseys, one of my biggest pet peeves, are also included in this list. These jerseys are poorly customized and not even close to the true authentic jersey, or even a nicer replica.

If you try to explain this to The Jersey Foul Wearer, though, they will retort that their jersey is authentic, or say that it is “close.”

Right. Because crooked logos, bubbly lettering, and colors that are totally off the mark are “close.”

When you spot a Jersey Foul Wearer, it is best not to argue and compliment them on their jersey and the great deal they got. Then, once they are out of earshot, you can totally make fun of them behind their back.

The Next Doc Emrick

The Next Doc Emrick may not have the nasal undertones and irresistible urge to scream “DRIVE!” every two minutes, but they are annoying in their own ways.

The Next Doc Emrick missed the memo that they are not the team’s play-by-play commentator. They sit there and dictate the play to themselves as it is going on and even provide their own color commentary.

Unlike Emrick, this fan does not have an audience of millions listening to him blabber. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from his dreams of broadcasting stardom, even though he is obviously very amateur.

This character is usually silenced for the remainder of the game when his commentary proves to be wrong.

The Children Who Can't Sit Still

I don’t want kids. But I do adore some of them...if they are well-behaved.

But The Children Who Can't Sit Still are the kinds I don't adore. They want to get up for food every five seconds, proceeding to climb over the same people who had to let them out after the last icing call, which was approximately 1.5 minutes ago.

After all that food, they need multiple trips to the bathroom.

When they don’t need to get up every millisecond, they are usually running around the concourse nearly knocking people over. Sometimes they are wearing those annoying shoes that have skate wheels on the bottom.

The Children Who Can't Sit Still are usually accompanied by parents who couldn’t care less about their kid. To make it worse, they indulge their kid’s every whim rather than actually telling them NO. Then they think they are entitled to special privileges because they brought their little angel to a game where the kid really has no business being.

Parents, not everyone adores your children, especially when they behave as described. Please, please, PLEASE get a sitter, and don’t bring your child to a game until they are ready to sit still and actually enjoy it.

The Don't Say Anything Bad Fan

This type of fan doesn’t want to hear any negative opinions about their favorite team or players.

Did your team blow a 3-0 lead to a rival and lose 5-4? Did they spend half the season playing like crap because they didn’t want to wake up to do anything until it was almost too late?

These are all valid criticisms, but The Don’t Say Anything Bad fan won’t hear it. If you dare to present a negative opinion, they will blast you by saying you don’t love the team and the players. Then, they proceed to praise the team for “a good fight” or “trying their best” when none of the above really applies.

The Don’t Say Anything Bad Fan is even more annoying when they make such a statement. After all, most passionate fans spend a fair amount of money on game tickets, merchandise, and travel to a game. Therefore, unhappy and honest does not equal not passionate.

Usually, this type gets a reputation for not being very knowledgeable about the game, and rightfully so.

If they actually knew what was going on during the game, they wouldn't go around saying that players should never be criticized.

The Silent Fan

The Silent Fan would be like the Don’t Say Anything Bad fan, except they just don’t say anything.

Hardcore fans are never sure why the Silent Fan shows up at games. They spend their time reading a book or magazine or even knitting, but they never seem to cheer or ask questions about what’s going on.

The Silent Fan also does not like others to express their enjoyment of the game. If you stand up with half the arena to cheer a fight or start chants to support your team, they will tell you to be quiet and/or sit down.

The Silent Fan is best staying home, but usually shows up because they got free tickets or are part of a group that is usually filled with Children Who Can't Sit Still.

The Living in the Past Fan

The Living in the Past fan enjoys doing just that. They will do anything to cling to the good old days of their favorite team while ignoring the product in the present.

Is your team’s starting goalie playing below his potential? The Living in the Past fan will bring up how you shouldn’t rat on the goalie because he won a Stanley Cup last year.

Is someone making a run to knock off a top contender? The fans on that team will say it doesn’t matter what anyone does, they still have more championships than their competition.

The Living in the Past Fan is a distant cousin of the next type of person you will meet at an NHL game.

The Traditionalist

The Traditionalist shuns any modern changes to the game of hockey. They can’t stand current hockey jersey styles, complain about ads on the boards, and wish teams would start wearing white at home again.

The Traditionalist can be annoying because of how close-minded they are. If you bring up a proposed change for the game day experience or dare mention some good things in the modern NHL, the Traditionalist will usually find something to hate about it.

The traditionalist is also averse to new hockey arenas and wishes NHL teams still played in Boston Gardens or the Buffalo Memorial Auditorium.

I wouldn’t suggest putting a Traditionalist in the same room as a Living in the Past Fan. The conversation would probably morph into the two of them remembering the time when their team won tons of championships when they wore white jerseys at home and the organ was the only music to be heard.

The Bandwagon Fan

In any city where the team has started doing well, the Bandwagoner is not hard to miss.

You have never seen this person before, but there they are in their shiny new jersey, usually of a franchise player. They are also bragging about how much they have loved the team for so long, even though they just started coming two games ago.

What’s funny is that as soon as things turn sour, the Bandwagon Fan disappears, but when the team returns, the fans act like they never left.

The "My Fanbase is Better Than Yours" Fan

This type of fan usually puts down other fanbases constantly. The best example of this is using statistics to explain why their fanbase is better than others: higher attendance, more season ticket holders, number of people attending a Stanley Cup parade, and so on.

But this fan isn’t weary of non-statistical figures. They also like to point out how much nicer they are than other fanbases, and this includes the use of the word “classy” no less than six times.

Don’t tell this person that not everyone in a fanbase is as they describe. They don’t know what stereotypes are and see this as an invalid point.

This person is usually a rabid fan, but they just don’t have any common sense.

The Hockey Mom

The Hockey Mom may have just enrolled her child in a youth league for the first time or believes her teenager is NHL draft bound. No matter what category pertains, she will take every opportunity to let you know it.

Not only that, the Hockey Mom believes she knows everything there is about professional hockey thanks to her faithful attendance at pee wee games. She likens six year olds learning how to skate to professionals who are in a slump. When you try to tell her they are far from the same, she insists she knows what she is talking about.

When not making dreams for her budding professional hockey player, the Hockey Mom can usually be found at a pro game selling 50/50 or towing around her kid who wears his youth hockey jersey to every game.

Let it be known that I have nothing against youth hockey players. Just the obnoxious parents.