20 Sports Teams We'd Like To Ban
In the spirit of the Nigerian president, who in the spirit of (and predecessor to) the owner of Cleveland Cavaliers (a.k.a. Dan Gilbert), went wild like a loose cannon and temporarily banned the national world football (a.k.a. soccer) team, we present to you a completely arbitrary satirical list of teams to be banned for various subjective reasons.
Eastern Michigan Eagles (NCAA Football)
The zero and 12 Eagles in the 2010-11 campaign. Time to go down a level, Eagles. If you are going to use our national bird as a mascot, try not to slaughter it!
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (NCAA Football)
The most productive use of the Hilltoppers no win, 11 loss season was a nice green football field for wedding photos. Time to head for the hills and retire this team.
North Texas Mean Green (NCAA Football)
Teams that identify regionally within a state sound more like a high school. Texas is the capital of high school football, time to go back to high school and learn something—especially when you go 2 and 10. A good sign that it is time to be put out of your misery.
Alcorn State Braves (NCAA Basketball)
Any team would have to be brave at two wins and 29 losses to stick around. Time to go away Acorn State (Note: Changed your name to "Acorn" so you can play with the squirrels)...
Bryant Bulldogs (NCAA Basketball)
After the Butler team of a similar name, your Bulldog must be the runt of the litter at one win and 29 losses in 2009-10. Stick to being a mascot and take away the team (I hear Disney is looking for a new character to replace Britney Spears).
Marist Red Foxes (NCAA Basketball)
Yet another one win, 29 loss team in the 2009-10 season. Stick with the academics because your basketball team is failing. Time to expel...
Buffalo Bills (NFL)
Yes, you made four Super Bowls in a row and lost all four. No championships and hardly a competitive team since the early '90s. The writing is on the wall when you are so bad even a wacko (though talented wide receiver) like Terrell Owens is held speechless. These Bills should be extinct.
Detroit Lions (NFL)
Being professional means being competitive and being the only franchise to go winless in a season—along with a local economy that can no longer support you (nor should support you) means: it is time to go.
Seattle Seahawks (NFL)
Seahawks do not exist and with the way you have played, neither should you.
Florida Panthers (NHL)
Florida is too close to the equator to play on ice—period.
Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL)
Columbus has one extremely unfortunate highlight: the first fan to be killed by a puck in the NHL. Cannot go much lower than that.
Minnesota Wild (NHL)
Minnesota needs to stick with NCAA hockey. The pros have not been kind to you.
New Jersey Nets (NBA)
New Jersey teams generally are either farm teams for the New York teams or waiting to move to New York. Nets, you need to make your move to Brooklyn already.
Los Angeles Clippers (NBA)
Guys, the Los Angeles team is the Lakers. Time to accept this and go away.
Golden State Warriors (NBA)
California has enough teams already. If these Warriors represented us in a real war being a loser would take on a whole new, extraordinarily large meaning.
Kansas City Royals (MLB)
Greatest highlight? George Brett being tossed for too much pine tar on a bat.
Chicago Cubs (MLB)
102 years with no championship. After a century, no matter what, it is time to cut you loose.
P.S. You know something is wrong when your curse has something to do with a goat, or was it a cat?
Baltimore Orioles (MLB)
The Orioles have not been anything since Ripken. Now that Washington has a team, it is time to either close you down or make you a minor league team. Makes a fan wonder why American sports do not have multi-tiered leagues where last place teams are demoted.
North Korea (World Football)
Ah, your finest moment was in clay-mation in the American cinema (you have those right?). Try moving into the 20th century.
Iran (World Football)
Hey Mr. President who rants and raves like a lunatic, the world does not need another megalomaniac who craves attention. Try giving your people freedom instead!