Losing It: 20 Fat Athletes Who Need Jillian Michaels' Help
We expect all professional athletes to be in shape with perfect bodies, a very low percentage of body fat, bulging muscles, and healthy, high-maintenanced lifestyles.
Unfortunately, even though they may have the talent, there are some athletes who are the exception to the rule. Their girth just happens to literally outweigh their skills because of their love for Twinkies or disinclination to work out.
That's why hard-core, tough-as-nails personal trainer Jillian Michaels, from the NBC realty TV show "The Biggest Loser," is required.
She'll know exactly what to do with these 20 fat athletes:
20. Andruw Jones - Big and Brave
Weight: 235 lbs.
Jones was one of the Atlanta Braves' best players besides Chipper Jones the late 1990s into the 2000s, a perennial Gold Golve (10 straight, from 1998-2007) center fielder with a nice bat.
His numbers have gone down as well as his healthy regimen, playing as a shell of himself lately. But it wouldn't surprise me though if Jillian goes up to Chicago and packs a wallop to his ever-expanding gut.
19. Ronaldo - The Whole of Brazil
Weight: 235 lbs.
Ronaldo brought back glory to Brazil by redeeming himself after a stunning World Cup loss to France in 1998 by beating Germany four years later in the WC final, thus giving the Selecao a record five Cups.
Even though he remains the highest goal scorer in World Cup history with 15, three more than even the legendary Pele tacked on, Jillian could most likely shrink him down to regular-striker size in months.
18. Phil Mickelson - Man Boobs
Weight: 210-240 lbs.
The one they call "Lefty" has been the ultimate family man, bringing his wife and three daughters on various occasions to some of the biggest golfing tournaments year-round.
More of a fan favorite than his arch-rival Tiger Woods, Phil has won the hearts of many while winning majors (three Masters, one PGA championship) in the Aughts. Ms. Michaels could certainly help him lose those man boobs though, rather than being in need of the famous Kramer-Costanza "The Bro" bras of "Seinfeld" lore.
17. JaMarcus Russell - Food Raider
Weight: 255 lbs.
His career looked bright as an LSU starting quarterback, especially in his senior year, when he beat Brady Quinn and Notre Dame in the 2007 Sugar Bowl.
But he's been nothing but dreadful as a Raider, which is why Oakland cut him loose after the 2009-2010 season. I wouldn't be surprised if Jillian cuts his fat loose, too.
16. Glen Davis - Big, Big Baby
Weight: 290 lbs.
Davis, an outstanding reserve, has come through for the aging Boston Celtics time and again over the past three seasons. A good power forward/center for LSU in college, Davis elevated his game in the NBA as a super sub, helping the Celtics to its NBA-record 17th title in 2008.
Maybe Jillian could assist Big Baby in losing 30-40 pounds– in order to not look as winded and out of shape as he did in Game Seven of the 2010 NBA Finals against the LA Lakers.
15. Tony Stewart - Life on the Fat Track
Weight: 200-220 lbs.
One of NASCAR's most temperamental drivers, Stewart has proven his worth with Joe Gibbs Racing (and later his own racing company), winning both the Winston Cup and Nextel Cup in 2002 and 2005, respectively.
But the big guy's endorsement deals with Subway and Burger King may get him into trouble with the Jillster.
14. Tony Gwynn - San Diego Pudgy
Weight: 250 lbs. (could be even bigger, post-retirement)
Mr. T played his entire career in the glorious, Southern California splendor, and with it, retired with a .338 lifetime batting average, as well as over 3,100 hits, and eight NL batting titles.
As a college head coach at San Diego State University, he mentored the budding Washington Nationals star Stephen Strasburg.
What's also noteworthy is that in 9,288 career at-bats, he only struck out 434 times. What's more amazing is that Jillian could easily strike out more than 434 calories from his daily dietary intake.
13. Shawn Kemp - Run-down Man
Weight: 320 lbs.
Kemp was a pretty awesome player for the now-defunct Seattle Supersonics, leading the team in points, rebounds and blocked shots during his tenure there.
The Reign Man could not be stopped, along with his sidekick Gary Payton, leading his team to the NBA Finals once in 1996.
Inactivity, drug abuse, and siring many out-of-wedlock children led to his downfall. But JM will definitely seek and put him to work on an inflatable ball and treadmill, climb on his back as he does 100s of push-ups.
12. David Wells - Citizen Plane
Weight: 230-250+ lbs.
Wells gained success and a lengthy list of love and hatred from both the media and fans on the 10 teams he pitched for in his career.
Whether drunk or not, the baseball enthusiast has won two World Series (1992, 1998) with the Toronto Blue Jays and New York Yankees, was named the 1998 ALCS MVP, and was a three-time All-Star selection.
And if Jillian harassed him to shed some poundage, that would be, like what happened on May 19, 1998, the perfect game for his frame.
11. Prince/Cecil Fielder - Like Fatter Like Son
Height: 6'3" (Cecil); 5'11" (Prince)
Weight: 265 lbs. (Cecil); 275 lbs. (Prince)
The Fielder patriarch was the first of the big men to shatter fastballs for home runs as well as several notches in his belt around his waist. He blasted over 300 homers and 1000 RBI in his career.
The younger Fielder is not too far behind pops, as far as earthquake dingers and trembling the ground are concerned. Prince has yielded about 178 home runs and 489 RBI so far.
The estranged father-son tandem is the only one in the major leagues to each hit 50 home runs at two separate points in time (51 for Cecil in 1990, 50 for Prince in 2007). But they'll make a better team once Jillian lights a fire under them as participants on "The Biggest Loser: Couples Edition."
10. John Daly - U.S. Wide Open
Weight (has fluctuated): 190-290 lbs.
Daly won two major championships in 1991 and 1995 (the U.S. and British Opens, respectively). He's had marital woes throughout his golfing career, but swilling alcohol and smoking out packs of cigarettes won't make his stress any better.
Lap-Band surgery or not, I'm sure an in-your-face confrontation with Jillian will permanently shrink his waistline down to size.
9. CC Sabathia - Welcome to C World
Weight: 292 lbs.
Respected in Cleveland but a victor in New York, the southpaw pitcher has done well in the AL over the years and made strides in his first year in the Bronx, helping the Yankees capture their 27th World Series over the Philadelphia Phillies.
However, he'd have to be a "screwball" extend his "complete" career "game" on the mound via Jillian "sliding" Special "K" down his "full plate". (Man, the baseball puns are killing me).
8. Sebastian Janikowski - Big Kick Out of It
Weight: 253 lbs.
The Florida St. grad is a big guy who looks hilarious with his gut lapping over his belt and his head hardly being able to fit inside his helmet.
As many bonehead personnel moves as Al Davis has made over the years as the Oakland Raiders owner, signing Sea Bass was a good one.
Janikowski has kicked over 20 field goals of 50 yards or longer, has a field goal percentage of 78, and is the franchise points leader with 1,000. If Jillian could tone up the Polish gentleman's physique, everyone will say that 'it's good.'
7. Bobby Jenks - Super Saver
Weight: 280 lbs.
This two-time All-Star and 2005 World Series champ has helped the White Sox regain significance– at least in respect to their cross-town rival, the Chicago Cubs.
Jenks has a decent ERA for a closer (3.28), and he has struck out 311 and saved 165 games. Jillian surely wouldn't mind helping to save "Bobby Hill's" heart as well.
6. Jared Lorenzen - The Unwanted J-Lo
Weight: 290 lbs.
Lorenzen put up decent numbers at Kentucky, but his playing days with the New York Giants were short-lived, though they did involve winning a Super Bowl in 2008.
He doesn't play for a professional team nowadays, but I'm sure Jillian would still like ride to him like a bull in order to drop and give her 50– more pounds, that is.
5. Charles Barkley - No Quiero Taco Bell
Weight: 300+ lbs.
The Leeds, Alabama, native, who starred at Auburn University, exceeded scouts' expectations by shedding his rookie-season weight, thus becoming the second-best all-around player in the NBA (behind Michael Jordan) in the 1990s.
Though absent from the league for years now, the omnipresent broadcaster and multiple-ad spokesman is still calling out for some form of intervention.
I'm thinking that the Round Mound of Rebound, as Sir Charles was called earlier in his career, would become instantly model-svelte– once Jillian puts the Taco Bell pitchman on a high-protein, low-salt diet from day one.
4. Albert Haynesworth - A Washington Monument
Weight: 350 lbs.
Fat Albert was a force to be reckoned with in Tennessee, the game's most dominant defensive tackle. But he upped and left for bigger bucks in Washington.
Yes, he has cashed in several million dollars in his short stint in the nation's capital. Yet he will absolutely feel the heat from not only Mike Shanahan for missing OTAs, but from Jillian, too, for that horrible BMI of his.
3. Charlie Weis - Big Man Off Campus
Weight: 320+ lbs.
(He's technically not an athlete, per se, but his job for the past 20 years has involved coaching athletes. So, by association, that makes him pretty much a fat athlete, too, in my book.)
Weis was an offensive genius who aided Bill Belichick and Tom Brady to three Super Bowls.
The quarterback-friendly coach took his talents (and mom pants) to South Bend, Indiana, where he maintained an mediocre win-loss record but had problems beating USC and winning bowl games.
Now with the Chiefs in the NFL, my thinking is that Jillian is already singing, "Kansas City here I come!"
2. Shaquille O'Neal - The Big Fudgemental
Weight: 340-360 lbs.
Shaq has been a notorious, back-to-the-basket big man in the past 18 years in the NBA. His I'm-a-baddd-man attitude got him rave reviews from his peers and marketing people alike, winning four NBA titles (three in LA, one with Miami) and three NBA Finals MVP awards in the process.
But because of his penchant for sweets (Crunch chocolate bars) and eats (Taco Bell, Burger King), Jillian will have to save him from ever starring in the reality show, "Shaq Vs His Gut."
1. Mike Tyson - Iron Skillet
Weight: 300+ lbs.
At his peak, Iron Mike was a good 220 lbs. He was one of the most feared boxers in the 1980s, but he started to lose steam starting in 1990, when unknown Buster Douglas knocked Tyson out in Japan.
I'm not sure if the picture above is the most recent, but with all the drama that's going on in Tyson's labyrinthine life, let's hope Jillian can find a cure to his belly "hangover" syndrome real soon.