LeBron James Rumors: Crazy Things to Happen at James' Decision
It’s fair to say now that LeBron James is one of the most conceited athletes in the NBA.
His ego is the size of a 1954 Buick Rambler and with his history of “winning,” his bark is as loud as one too.
The King will captivate America tonight during his one-hour, self-love fest on ESPN. Although he will make the decision in the first ten minutes of the show, the network finds it necessary to discuss the two words he says for 50 more minutes.
I, however, will not be watching. There’s a marathon of I Love New York on.
While everyone can speculate about LeBron’s decision (including me: http://bit.ly/aAQg1V and http://bit.ly/b7BSuz), it’s clearly going to be a media spectacle. And the only thing I love more than media spectacles is Jessica Alba.
Screw you, Cash Warren.
Knowing LeBron, which I don’t, I feel he has the potential to do some crazy stuff tonight. These are the top 10 ridiculous antics he could pull at 9 p.m. tonight.
Someone will have to text me about it, because I’ll be occupied reading the dictionary.
10. The Yankees
So all that matters is winning?
Interesting. Do you know what professional team does it more than anyone?
The New York Yankees.
So why not pick them? James has the athleticism to play any sport, and with some training, he could play DH.
Hmmm…who do you think is more liked in New York, Marcus Thames, or LeBron?
They’d kick Thames off the team faster than you can correctly pronounce his last name.
Besides, if he’s willing to go to Dwyane Wade’s city and admit he can never be the new Michael Jordan, why not go to Derek Jeter’s team and piggy back to a title there too.
A-Rod did it.
9. The Rose
The man on the right is former New York Giants quarterback and Bachelor alum Jesse Palmer.
He is to tough decisions as the Clippers are to losing.
But LeBron could take a page out of his playbook. Line all the GMs up in a row, and hand them roses. Make it into a reality show, and have all the GMs take him out on a date, and he can pick the winner at the end.
If he doesn’t want it to be a GM, each team can send the team’s best cheerleader. But make sure the representative is hot enough to melt tungsten, or else it’s not good TV.
Actually, I don’t want Nate Robinson showing up for the Celtics, so nevermind.
8. Electoral College
If you can’t identify the man in the picture, you clearly have been under a rock for the past three years.
Or you live in Texas. Either one.
President Obama was elected via the Electoral College system. Every state gets allotted a number of votes, and whichever candidate gets the most becomes the Commander In Chief.
For more information, talk to Al Gore. It worked for him like Jonah Hill’s Jenny Craig diet.
But adapt that for the NBA. Every state gets a number of votes depending on population, and they each vote for whatever team they want LeBron to go to. That way, the fans win, and no one gets hurt outside of Cleveland.
Actually, I really like this idea. He could end up with the Lakers.
7. Buy The Heat
So many analysts made a big deal about Pat Riley’s influence on getting LeBron to come to Miami.
And with that kind of hair, who wouldn’t?
LeBron has a chance to do something huge here. Not only can he choose to play wherever he wants, but he can use his max contract and endorsement deals to buy the Heat.
Who’s your daddy now, Riles?
By buying his own franchise, he could re-sign with Cleveland, trade players from Miami to join him at home, and win an NBA title there.
Everyone wins, especially those of you who went to Vegas and took the 250:1 odds on collusion.
Oh, and Miami. But they haven't been liked since Will Smith left.
6. Twitter Update
If there’s one person I’ve wanted to narrate my life, it’s Samuel Jackson.
I’M SITTING DOWN TO EAT CRUNCHBERRIES, MOTHATRUCKA!
But when he hosted the ESPY’s last year, he had this very interesting idea of posting his thoughts via Twitter. LeBron just joined Twit Nation, he could do the same thing.
However, he will never be as cool as Jackson. Even when he tweets, he’s yelling.
Still LeBron could try and emulate him. Just sit in his home in Akron and type 140 character messages to the televisions of people everywhere.
It would be great for his deaf fans. The event would be like being in a teen chat room, except not everyone’s a perverted 14-year-old.
R. Kelly just frowned.
5. Delonte West's Mom
Everyone had an opinion about why the Cavaliers lost all their chemistry against the Boston Celtics in the 2010 playoffs.
However, sexy rumors are normally true, and this one was the best of them all.
There were reports, if you can call them that, of Delonte West sleeping with LeBron’s mom.
Not even Starburst is this juicy, and I love Starburst.
So to turn the tables, James should pull a fast-one on West. He could come out on stage with West’s momma on his arm, give her a big smooch, and tell the world he’s bringing her to South Beach.
West could lose his mom, his only chance at a title, and, according to rumors, his spot on the Cavs in the same week.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Hey, he only said he was deciding on his future.
James never said he’d be picking a team.
Think about it. There’s no way he can ever get to this level of hype again, so why not go out on top?
Sure, he loses out on the glory and bling, but we still consider Jim Brown one of the best running backs of all time. He retired well before his prime was finished and has the love of everyone.
Bron would be just like Brown, who did all his work in Cleveland and is still regarded as one of the best athletes ever from the U.S.
Plus, with that style, he could become an actor like Brown as well.
Ice Cube needs a star for Barbershop Five.
3. "Gimme A Week"
“I’d just like to announce that I’m gonna take another week to decide.”
Nation wide blue balls, anyone?
This option is possible though due to the fact that no sources can confirm his destination. All morning, ESPN covered all the teams in the running and downplayed Miami as the far ahead favorite.
Or they could just have bad sources. Joe Schad found out all about that during the Pac-10 expansion.
LeBron is planning a huge bash in South Beach next week. While it could be to make a decision, he also could be meeting with Wade and Bosh to discuss how things would work.
In which case, The Decision, Season One will be in stores on DVD July 11.
2. The Team Powder Toss
As any basketball fan knows, LeBron has this habit of throwing powder in the air before every game.
This idea would, therefore, be a lot of fun. He gets a handful of powder that’s the color of the team he’s going to, and throws it in the air to show his allegiance.
It’d be like a crack head in a disco club.
But then they could add a light show and project the team’s logo into the dust. It would be a magnificent explosion of color and fog, which would give the superstar the club lifestyle he dreams of.
Or, maybe someone can use some powder to pat his spoiled ass.
Is West’s mom still available?
1. Kanye West
I have said all along that LeBron is so egocentric, I wouldn’t be shocked if he didn’t know Wade and Bosh were on Miami.
And who is the only person on Earth more self-absorbed than James?
The Louis Vuitton Don himself, Kanye West.
West shocked Americans with his blunt and controversial commentary about George Bush. The world saw Taylor Swift’s tears pour when he interrupted her VMA acceptance speech.
But this would take the cake.
LeBron: “I’ve decided I’m going to join the…”
Kanye: “LeBron, Imma let you finish, but Kobe Bryant had one of the best free agency decisions of all time.”
What’s funny is that West would probably not be hated like he was at the VMAs. I, for one, would probably YouTube this over and over just to see LeBron be out-selfished and laugh my head off.
Actually, LeBron should try losing his head. It’s so big right now, he could fly down to Miami using it as a hot air balloon.
Knowing Kanye, he probably organized a cameo or something tonight. But what else could happen? Suggestions?