LeBron James to Sign With...the Yankees? (Satire)

Lance PaukerCorrespondent IJuly 8, 2010

BOSTON - MAY 13:  LeBron James #23 of the Cleveland Cavaliers prepares to shoot a free throw in the fourth quarter against the Boston Celtics during Game Six of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2010 NBA playoffs at TD Garden on May 13, 2010 in Boston, Massachusetts. The Celtics defeated the Cavaliers 94-85.  NOTE TO USER: User Expressly Acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
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About an hour ago, some unnamed source that may not even exist tweeted something that mentioned LeBron James and the New York Yankees in the same sentence. As a result, ESPN's Chris Broussard, Chad Ford, and Bill Simmons have all confirmed that LeBron is in fact a free agent, and that he very well may leave Cleveland to join the Yankees. 

This news will certainly draw comparisons to some guy named Michael Jordan, who left basketball in his prime to pursue his dream of baseball. 

"When I'm not doing three hour specials on ESPN, I usually play a lot 0f XBOX 360," said LeBron. "I'm pretty good at MLB 'The Show,' so I thought I could give the sport a try."

"Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy." said Lebron, commenting on the inevitable Michael Jordan associations. "Why's he famous again? He's not a fan of me on facebook and he doesn't buy my shoes. And what are those gold things he wears on his fingers? I don't understand why everyone worships him." 

LeBron could not be reached for further comment on the matter. He was too busy listening to music on his special "LeBron James Edition" iPad. His favorite band, "Black Sabbathia," could be heard from across the locker room. 

This news comes as a pleasant surprise to the Yankees, who have been in need of someone that looks like he is on steroids. Although they are atop the AL East, this move should appease the wallet-happy Tampa Bay Rays, who have the second highest payroll in baseball to the Florida Marlins, who, according to prominent sports celebrity Marcus Vick, "make it rain harder than Pacman Jones."

As per terms of the new deal, the Yankees are obligated to hold a parade for LeBron on every Sunday, so that the team could fill the contracts "publicity quota."

Additionally, every bar in New York must serve half-off "LeBomb James" shots. As mandated by the King, the drink consists of Crown Royal mixed with Red Bull. It is further supplemented by a few packets of Splenda, which is rubbed together and thrown up in the air to mimic a pregame move that LeBron definitely did not steal from Kevin Garnett. 

Speaking of Kevin Garnett, LeBron's new contract also stipulates other teams in the NBA are not important, even though he is no longer part of the NBA. Because he was not considering the Lakers during his free agency dictatorship, they are no longer a team. 

According to "sources," LeBron was going to release a statement thanking his fans and teammates for all that they have done for him over his rather uneventful seven years in the NBA. However, it was reported that he did not publish it because he forgot the names of most of his teammates that weren't named Mo Williams. 

"Mo was great, but let's be serious here," said LeBron. "Mo Williams Mo' Problems. That's why I had to get out of Cleveland."

The Cleveland Cavaliers, who are completely outraged by the King's sudden departure, made a few comments directed towards LeBron that are not fit for print.

James simply shrugged, "If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it."