CHARLOTTE - In what is certain to become the ultimate test for its cars and drivers, NASCAR today announced the addition of a new event to begin next year, the Independence Day Jersey Drive-By Shootout.
Having long sought to increase interest and gain stock car racing fans in the densely populated Northeast, this new NASCAR event will be held right on the New Jersey Turnpike. Starting at the foot of the Delaware Memorial Bridge at the southern Turnpike terminus, the race will scream straight up the highway to East Rutherford, where the cars will loop through the toll plaza before storming back south. Racers will then repeat the circuit, making the total length 450 miles.
To add breathtaking excitement and a dose of reality TV to the race, the Turnpike will remain open to normal car and truck traffic during the event.
Since normal Turnpike speeds average close to that of the NASCAR Car of Tomorrow’s top speeds, experts expect super-exciting side-by-side racing. And with your typical NJ driver’s finely honed, aggressive driving skills—rapid lane changes, passing in breakdown lanes, bump and run, incredible acceleration—NASCAR drivers figure to face a white-knuckle task of trying to pick their way through and pass the New Jersey natives in their natural element.
To lessen the chances that a major traffic jam slows the race to a crawl, and since NASCAR fans so love night racing (all day to lube up), the event will begin at 1:00 a.m. on July 4th. Since those late hours also coincide with the Turnpike’s average top speeds, fans then can expect wide open, pedal-to-the-metal racing.
New Jersey soccer moms, truckers, and Goodfellas alike are thrilled to get the chance to go up against the NASCAR big boys on their home Garden State turf. Between now and July 4, race promoters expect excitement and public relations buzz to explode as Turnpike regulars optimize their vehicles and passing reflexes during their daily Turnpike commutes in gearing up for the big event.
NASCAR’s drivers, however, are worried as hell at the possibility of total mayhem with locals sharing the road during a race. Kyle Bush, arguably NASCAR’s most aggressive driver, voiced his fears. “I’m scared to death. I’m sure I’ll piss my pants the first time a Jersey Princess with her big hair comes flying up behind me in her minivan. I just know I’ll get run over or she’ll put me into the wall.”
Yessiree, Bob. Should be a thrilling race. NASCAR should gain legions of new Yankee racing fans by including them in the race, and the world will finally find out how good them NASCAR boys really are.
This article originally appeared on HumorVolcano.com.