Dancing His First Love
CLEVELAND – Although there had been subtle hints in recent years from his TV commercials and pre-game warm-ups, no one expected this. NBA superstar LeBron James stunned fans around the world today by announcing that he is retiring from basketball and will immediately jump to professional Irish Step Dancing.
“Dancing has always been my first love,” the 6’8”, 250 lb power forward said. “Ballet, waltz, tango, whatever. But the first time I saw that Riverdance Flatley guy stomping and kicking around onstage I was like, WOW. That guy’s a total stud. And the music, it gets me right here,” he said, pointing to his heart while nearly choking up.
Before press conference onlookers could pick their flabbergasted jaws up off the floor, LeBron launched into an Irish jig right across the stage, every bit as spectacular as Lord Flatley himself. “I’ve been practicing. See? Irish step dancing is like love and beauty in motion. I’ve got to do this, it’s in my soul,” James said.
All anyone could do was nod in agreement to the magical toe-tapping beat, for his Irish dancing technique was as flawless as his 360-degree-no-look-backward-slam-dunk. Witnesses realized that they’d just experienced the metamorphosis from LeBron James as mere basketball star into probably the greatest stage entertainer the world will ever see.
“Basketball’s been nice. Don’t get me wrong. But with this line dancing, man, I can really cut loose, be myself. Let all the beauty and joy built up inside me just come gushing out. Plus, I’ll be able to touch people around the world, man. Not just the sports nut, rich fat cats in this country,” LeBron closed. Then, with a breathtaking combination of power and grace, hands on hips, elbows out, head held high, knees and feet moving almost faster than the eye could see, King James step danced an Irish reel into the stage-right shadows, off into a glorious future.
An earlier version of this article was published on news and satire website HumorVolcano.com .